Some misinformed parents feel that when you go through a divorce, that means that everyone needs to pick sides, including the children. This is why education is so important. Parents, family and friends need to understand there are no sides when it comes to the children. You are all on the same side... against the world!
Some lawyers feed off this kind of misconception, and encourage their clients to not communicate with the 'other side'.. thus ensuring even more rift, and problems.. and yes, lawyer fees!
Funny how parents seem to be able to resolve things so much faster when the money runs out and parents are forced to talk, negotiate and figure things out. Be careful of lawyers that feed off misinformation that you are at war with the other side and that you should not have any communication with them unless through the lawyer. It's your children's inheritance that suffers in the end when doing this.
In my personal situation, the mother, through her behavior and actions, implied to the children that there was a need to pick sides. A classic sign of an alienating parent, which possibly with education, could have been prevented. What I find even more interesting is that this mother, later when things were better, still continues to feel there is a need to pick sides. She, at the threat of not having them see their grand kids, would force her side of the family to not associate with her ex-husband. What is ironic is she enlisted the help of her live-in boyfriend who is apparently also an alienated parent from his own ex. It always boggles my mind how a target parent cannot see the same behaviors of their ex in their current partner.
Here are some excerpts from this mothers boyfriend to my friend. I put them here as great examples of their line of thinking, and why educating these kinds of parents is so important
"... while you may consider (names removed for privacy)'s family as yours, the REALITY is they are not and ceased to be the day you walked out."
"The fact that despite what you have done, you refer to (X)'s family as your own leads me to believe that you must have many unresolved issues.."
".. It is (X)'s family, and she is the one to ensure your children's involvement in her families life, not you."
Notice the blame (what you did, you walked out, etc) Giving excuses somehow rationalizes this type of behavior to the uneducated/alienating parents. Notice also the last quote, which is likely said to make sure (X)'s threat to her family to make them conform to her wants remains strong. (ie: dont' associate with Y or you will not see your grand kids)
Here is the 'truth' people. It is both parents responsibility to make sure the children have a good relationship with BOTH sides of the family, and that they remain involved with BOTH sides. Especially when they had good involvement and relationships before the separation.
It is also both parents responsibility, as well as both sides of the family, to ensure continuation of existing relationships with all family members. This is not for the parents.. this is for the children! They need to see and hear about their family interacting, and respecting each other.
I read an interesting study a few days ago, written about in Scientific Mind, and presented to the American Psychological Association this past summer. The study compared the effectiveness of 10 kinds of parenting practices that have gotten the thumbs-up in various scientific studies. It stated the top 10 things that children need in order to become happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.
Number one was physical affection from parents.
Number two was stress management and a good relationship between their parents! #2 !!! Above positive parenting, above autonomy and independence, about life skill, behavior management, health, religion and safety!! A good relationship between their parents was the most important after physical affection from parents!!
So here's the message.. it is both parents job to ensure the children have a terrific childhood, and grow up with as much love and support around them as possible. That means, as a parent, you need to do whatever it takes to show your children that you do have a good relationship with the other parent and side of family, even if that means interacting with people you dislike greatly, acting friendly to the 'other man or woman' in your children's lives, giving up making sure you 'right' in every argument, or proving that you are the 'better' parent. What will you do for your children??
There are only a handful of people on this earth that love your children like you do, and that is their immediate family. Why would you deprive them of even one?!
If you really want to think of it as sides and winning.. then think of it like this:
The sides are your children and their family (mom's and dad's side) against 6.7 billion people.
The measurement of winning is making sure the children get a happy, healthy childhood free of picking sides between their mom & dad, and adult issues, so they can be happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.
The contest (life) does not care how hard you have it, how unreasonable the other parent is, or what the other parent 'did' to you. The contest is brutal and unforgiving.. and the faster you figure out both you and the other parent and families are on the same team; your childrens'; the easier you will make it for your children to 'win' in the game of life.
How are you scoring so far?
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