Sunday, February 27, 2011

School Play

A very common sign of a parental alienator is a person who refuses to share when school plays, recitals, sports games, parent teacher nights and any other event special to the child is happening to the other parent. These parents may even go so far as to request that the school or sports team take part in the alienation and not inform the other parent of any functions or important events.

In this way, the alienating parent can re-enforce their message to the child(ren) that the other parent does not care about them, therefore is not showing up to their special functions.

In my situation, the alienator did try to stop the childrens school from informing the father of functions and such, however, the school abided by the law and once approached with documentation by the father, did report functions and events to a small extent.

The alienator in my situation also refrained from telling the father about any school activities, functions and so on. Causing the children to feel that their father did not care about them, and re-enforcing her message that their father had abandoned them.

What these alienators don't realize with their self-centered ego-centric tactics is that they are harming and depriving their own children of happy childhood memories. Very sad for all involved!

Friday, February 11, 2011

It's all his fault!

A very common tactic of alienators is to try to place all blame for all their problems on the other parent. This can range from telling the child they can't afford something because their other parent doesn't pay enough child support, or that they are in the financial situation they are in because their other parent deserted them, to exaggerating events when the rejected parent cannot accommodate something.

For example, the alienating parent may attempt to make plans for the child and finds that the other parent is not able to accommodate such plans, either financially or time wise. The alienating will hen lay blame on the parent and instead of telling the child 'Your mom/dad really wanted to help/be there, but they cannot at this time, maybe we can try again later', they will say something more to the effect of 'you won’t be able to go now because your other parent does not really want you to go there' or 'is too busy for you' or 'spent his money on selfish things other than you'. The alienator may even go so far as to tell friends and neighbours that the other parent did not want to do something good for the child.

If your ex is doing this to you with your children, remember to not do the same back to your child. It is not the child's fault to be manipulated as such. You can try to gently let them know that you did want to contribute/be there, but if the child is resistant, you may want to drop it and concentrate on more positive things. Remember that although your child may be manipulated, it is still their reality and you cannot force them to see otherwise, you can only keep showing them that you love them and will always do your best for them.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

God help us all!

It seems another tactic of alienators is to use religion in their favour. If they were not religious before, they will suddenly become so, and if they were religious before, they will twist it to their advantage.

In my situation, the mother suddenly became obsessed with Sunday school and insisted the children were attending Sunday school and therefore could not have any parenting time with their father on that day. (She also decided that Friday's were 'family day' which meant that Friday's were out too, leaving Saturdays when the kids were 'too busy with activities'. )

The funny thing is that with all her Sunday school rantings for years, it turns out that apparently the children were not even going there at all, but it was all a rouse, using the lord as an escape goat for her alienation!

I have heard of many other stories of alienation involving sudden religiousness. Sometimes, if the family is already religious, the alienator will twist religion in his/her favour and start calling the rejected parent a 'sinner' or 'the devil' etc.

It is unfortunate that religion is used for so much hatred in this world Hopefully these alienated children have good pastors or religious heads to counteract the hatred. This is why educating churches about parental alienation and the harm it does to children and families is so important and vital.

If you're interested in doing so, be sure to check out http://www.paawarenessday.com/ and/or http://www.paawareness.org/

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Holiday Blues

A common sign of a Parental Alienator is one that arbitrarily decides what the children are doing on holidays. There is no discussion as to how to have the children share time with both sides of their family, but rather a unilateral decision by the alienator as to what is 'best' for the children and if there is any time (if at all) for the children to spend time with the other parent or family.

In my situation, the mother denied complete access to the children during all holidays, including thanksgiving, father's day, Christmas, etc. stating the children where either busy or did not want to come (see 'I can't help it' post). Christmas on the second year was when she allowed the children to be with their father for 2 hours on boxing day.. just to get their presents. An event in which the children, specially the oldest, was paranoid about being late getting back home from!

Now, the mother is a little more lenient with the children being able to spend some time with their father during the holidays, however, she still arbitrarily decides what time they are to be back 'or else' (giving an air of panic and having to rush even for the time they are there), and unilaterally decides which days are hers. (ie: Christmas morning every year, thanksgiving every year, etc)

Remember that even if you are denied access to your children during holidays, to send them cards, presents and/or your love in anyway possible. Most likely they won't get it as the alienator will either refuse them, destroy them or get hide them, but it's still important to keep trying to show your children you love them no matter the obstacles.

Remember that the alienator's tactic is to hide your love from your child, then pummel them with negative images of you, how you are selfish, only care about yourself and do not love/want them. So keep sending and keep trying to get the word out that you love your children.

If possible, send gifts and cards to the alienator and his/her family as well. They may scoff at it, and throw it away, but every olive branch you send will make a minute dent in the wall of hatred on the other side. It may result in nothing, but hopefully it will make you feel better about yourself, and you never know where acts of kindness and love will take you!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Back on track

sorry for the lag in posts, but I'm back on track with postings hopefully.

As I also use this blog to vent a bit, I want to point out the disgust we should all feel for so called parents that put a price tag on their children. I personally see no difference between mandatory child support and child trafficking, both emotionally abuse and manipulate children for monetary gain.

In my personal situation, my friend's ex refused to settle for over $4k a month plus a car for support but rather fought so hard she bankrupted my friend and got only $570/month and no car! If there weren't 2 kids in the middle whose inheritance just went up in smoke because of a stupid woman, and if it wasn't for the unreal stress her stupidity put my friend under, I find this unbelievably hilarious! Keep fighting over money and the only people that will win are the lawyers. And now she is doing it again.. thinking she can get more out of him when he's already paying more than he should.

Considering she abused her own children for over 2 years and is still trying to manipulate them, and considering she's done things like threatened to make the eldest quit her job in order to get my friend to pay more support, and considering she's screwed up her kids so much they can't even seem to leave home, she does not deserve the title of 'mother' let alone money for continuing her abuse and her Starbucks addiction!

All venting aside. It's exhausting and sad for all involved, especially the kids in the middle. Not all of it is her fault either.. he should be making an effort to make a bridge and forgive and forget and move on, yet he does not want to do that either. Until one of them does, and I doubt it would be her as she's narcissistic and probably bi-polar, not to mention she is surrounded by incompetent human beings.., it rests on him. Until he either stops letting her control him and his emotions, or makes a bigger effort and becomes her partner in parenting the children no matter what an ass she is, this will continue until the kids leave the nest at whatever age is the oldest she can get child support for them for!

Co-parenting is not easy. Do you think it's easy for me to co-parent with someone who knows exactly how to push my buttons and push me over the edge? and maybe for him on his side also... But we argue (away from the kids ears and eyes), and figure it out, and sometimes he pays more or backs off more, or I do. In the end, life goes on, and it probably evens out. Regardless, we both love our kids, and we would never in a million years put a price tag on something as priceless as our children!!