Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Self Righteousness

I've been meaning to write for a while.. but I guess I kept putting it off, and now it's 2 years since my last post!! How time flies!

Still.. yesterday I had an experience that made me reflect on the difference between Alienators, Self-alienators, and regular people.

As you may or may not know, I am again the President of PAAO, and as such, when it happens that someone uses our logo and/or our name without approval, I need to politely say something and ask them to stop. This happens once in a while, and it's a testament to all the great work and credibility PAAO has accomplished thanks to thousands of volunteers all over the world. In this scenario, as in many past, a person had put our logo on an unapproved poster. Even though the person was wise enough to mention on the poster that it was unofficial (and therefore unapproved), the fact of publishing it to the public without approval was still an issue. This has happened many times in the past, and each time, I contact the individual and explain to them that we are very careful with our logo and name, and that even though we may love their poster, we do not allow our logo or name on anything without the procedure of having it approved. This is to protect our name in the long run. I'd say this has happened maybe 20 times in the last 7 years of being with PAAO.

In 18 of those cases, or 90% of the cases, the person responds saying they apologize, that they understand and/or did not realize, and that they will take the information down, and if we approve it, put it back up. No harm done, mistakes and assumptions happen, I approach them, they understand, and comply. Some of these people have continued on to do many great things with the PAAO name on it, which we appreciate very much. But from then only release board approved material publicly.

Now we come to the 10%. These people, when approached politely to stop using our name, logo and reputation without approval.. they act entitled, self-righteous, and get angry. They say things like 'what does it matter, we're doing good work too!'. or ' I worked hard on this, and I deserve to use your name/logo/etc, you cant stop me', or 'You should be ashamed of yourself for confronting people who are trying to help others'. And basically all manner of vitriol, and excuses as to why it's OK for them to simply do what they want. Their self-righteous, entitled attitude is amazing to watch. These people dont' care about right and wrong, they are simply concerned with themselves, and their agendas, and as long as they feel they are doing 'good' work, then they feel entitled to taking anything from anyone, and are not concerned with 'wrong'.

Today I was thinking of the similarities of these people and Alienators. I believe 90% of alienators feel they are doing  'good' by their children, and they did nothing wrong. They are protecting their children, or standing up to bullies, etc. They feel they are doing 'good' and protecting themselves and kids, and therefore, they then feel entitled and self-righteous enough to act in the ways they do.. being rude to the other parent and his/her family, stealing, conniving, manipulating, etc.. in order to meet their agenda.

So I have 2 thoughts here.

One is, if someone behaves in these manners about other things, not necessarily children, AND they are also alienated from their children.. maybe it's time to self-reflect as to how they are probably responsible for a good majority of the reason they live in such conflict with the other parent, and possibly why they are alienated.

And two, .. I feel we the public, especially if you are in the field of fighting Parental Alienation, should not tolerate such behaviors. Some things are simply wrong, no matter how 'good' your cause or reason, and if you don't stand up and say something, or go just along with it because what's the big deal, the work is good and you feel you need to stand by your friend/colleague/peer.... then what is the difference between you and someone who aids an alienator alienate?  or stands by and shrugs that they can't do anything and it's not their problem? or they don't want to get involved? What is the difference?

To me, the following behaviors are just wrong.. no matter what the cause of them, or how good the intentions:

1. Stealing & lying
2. Treating a parent with dis-respect

and when noticed, should not be accepted as OK. Ever.