On this day, the day after the 6th Annual Parental Alienation Awareness Day, I wanted to share with you a true story. The below is an excerpt from an email from a alienator.. a lady who alienated her ex husband from her kids for 16+ years, and then later apologized to her ex and children. (All names removed for privacy)
"I wanted to share something with you as I listened and then read what was being said (on the radio show), I noticed that they were completely absorbed in talking about how awful alienators are and how they do it on purpose and so forth. I thot to myself, how in the heck is that helping anything???
Then I thought about what has helped me and it came to me. (My ex husband), first of all, and others such as you and Sarvy have played a big role in this...an alienator needs an environment where repentance is accepted and welcomed and forgiveness is available...and then accountability for their future behavior towards their kids, especially.
One of the reasons why talking about alienators and how bad they are is that the alienators are doing the same thing about the targeted parent. What if all those people's kids heard them talking about their mom/dad that way?
The goal is to have change, for the alienators to see their behavior is damaging, to repent (turn from it) and have forgiveness extended and then accountability. If (my ex husband) hadn't have forgiven me, I would not have had much motivation to keep changing!
It is extremely easy to alienate. It can be as simple as being silent when your child talks about their other parent or as awful as threatening to never speak to the child again if they have to do with their other parent. It also escalates very quickly.
I'm also beginning to see more and more (especially for myself) that jealousy is my BIG problem. I really struggle with that. I had so much taken away from me by my parents and want to hang on to what I have left and steal back what they stole...namely our kids loyalty, love, and affection...their souls. So I plan to study jealousy from the Bible and see how the Bible says I should handle it.
The thing is also that children who are alienated will most likely turn on their alienators someday and may also alienate the grandchildren from their alienator because they have learned that it is accepted behavior. I know that from my own experience and from what (my daughter) has said to me.
....
An additional note that I thot of, Sarvy, is surprisingly enough, I first realized that my behavior was wrong towards (my ex) and then, after reading about PA on your site and others, I realized that I had wronged our kids also. When I apologized to (my ex), I really didn't expect him to accept my apology, I just knew that it was the right thing to do. The rest of the story...you already know.
Thank you, Sarvy, for your acceptance and care you have manifested towards me. It has been a rocky road for me at times as I am healing and still dealing with alienation...didn't see that coming...the continued alienation from my family. I hope that what I am learning can be used to help others at times.
Hope this might help in some way. Sometimes when I hear people "ranting" about alienators, I want to say "wait a minute!". Because I come from a family of alienators and used to be one, I'd like to "set the record straight". But that won't accomplish much also...we want change, not more attention for them because they love attention...I try to work at what my motivations are when I talk about PA...still getting the "poison" out..."
I wanted to share this with you because this wonderful ladie's email to me gives great insight into Alienators. We all have moments where we just get so angry and frustrated with their tactics and wish horrible things on them. I'm no angel myself when it comes to my BF's ex and her family. But if we don't step back, realize that alienators also need help, and give them space and room to change by forgiving, then we are also part of the problem.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Power of Words
With Parental Alienation Awareness Day April 25th fast approaching, I'm going to take a slight tangent off Signs of PA for this post and talk about PA and it's effects on children, awareness and education.
When I started Parental Alienation Awareness Day, it was to educate Roger's ex and her family about the damage they were doing to their own (grand)children. PAAO was borne out of that same premise. In the beginning, I had many arguments and discussions with Roger, and later with other parents. The discussion is about PA and it's effects on children vs it's effects on parents and family.
I'd like to say I fully understand how hard it is as a parent. I have seen Roger go through the pain of not seeing his children for more than 2 years, of the horror of the false accusations his ex threw at him, and the despair and infinite frustration at the courts for not dong anything about it and allowing his children to be abused emotionally and mentally. I am not diminishing this pain at all, and I truly believe there should be resources and materials out there for parents and family to cope with this pain and frustration.
However, it is of utmost importance to remember and understand, that no matter how much you hurt as a parent, the absolute true victims are the children. They are innocent and they are being abused, and will be affected for a lifetime. No offense intended to those in pain, but stop complaining about not seeing your kids or that the kids hate you, and start realizing that it's not about you at all. Your children are in pain if exposed to PA, even if you do see them and even if they do not hate you! It is very important to understand this.
I like to use this scenario. In some countries, children are stolen at a young age, and taught to hate, even their parents, and taught to fight some crazy person's war. How do you think those parents feel? Their children are stolen, they are not seeing them, and even if they managed to find them, they have been brainwashed into hating them. I would bet you a million dollars, that those parents do not talking about not seeing their kids, how hard it is for them (and I"m sure it's excruciating). I bet you their absolute total focus is on getting their children out of the danger they are in, whether or not they are hated in the end, and whether or not they get to see them after. Even if they were allowed to see them, their focus would be to save them from the abuse of the camp.
Can you see the resemblance to PA? Children are 'stolen', parents and grandparents are not seeing them when it becomes moderate to severe, AND in extreme cases, the children are taught to hate their one side of the family. Can you see that it's about the kids! They are being harmed! It's our duty as adults and parents to get them out of that harmful situation, no matter how much pain we are in personally.
I truly 100% believe the above. I am not an alienated parent, but as a person that has seen the kids go through it, as well as the parent, and as a person who has spend 7+ years helping children and parents alike and trying to educate and raise awareness about PA, I can tell you this.. I have minimal sympathy for the parents, and absolute resolution to help, and utmost sympathy for, the kids involved.
So what is the point of all this? What I'm trying to help you understand is to put your own pain aside and concentrate on helping your children. What I"m also trying to point out is that the majority of the world is like me. Especially if they have no exposure to Parental Alienation. People care about children and animals. Just like I care more about getting the children out of the hands of lunatic war lords, than about helping their parents cope with the pain and trauma. I'm not saying I don't care about the parents, I'm saying I care more for the kids.. and so do most people.
So when you are out there raising awareness and education, try to focus on the children. It's their right to see their parents, its their right to have a happy childhood outside of courts, it's their right to know both sides of their family, it's their right to be free of guilt for loving and receiving love from their parents. It's very sad that you may not be seeing them, and people will have some empathy with that, especially if they are exposed to PA, however it's 1000 times more horrific to know that children are not having the right to love both their parents, that they are punished for doing so, emotionally and/or physically, that they are forced to choose, taught to lie, steal and cheat and are missing the support they could use from one half of their family.
They may be two sides of the same coin, but one side is much more effective in raising awareness, helping the kids, and ultimately helping all else involved.
I'd like to end it with this great video that I feel exemplifies what I mean:
It's the same principal as the new Bubbles of Love Campaign. It's about LOVE, it's about what to do to help children, as opposed to what not to do. It's a positive fun message that hopefully the world will embrace. ie: Kids should be free to be loved and show love... love should not be contained.
Happy Parental Alienation Awareness Day everyone. Thank you to all that participate in 20+ countries around the world. Together we CAN make a difference and show the world that love does conquer all :)
For more information, go to www.paawarnessday.com and www.bubblesofloveday.com
When I started Parental Alienation Awareness Day, it was to educate Roger's ex and her family about the damage they were doing to their own (grand)children. PAAO was borne out of that same premise. In the beginning, I had many arguments and discussions with Roger, and later with other parents. The discussion is about PA and it's effects on children vs it's effects on parents and family.
I'd like to say I fully understand how hard it is as a parent. I have seen Roger go through the pain of not seeing his children for more than 2 years, of the horror of the false accusations his ex threw at him, and the despair and infinite frustration at the courts for not dong anything about it and allowing his children to be abused emotionally and mentally. I am not diminishing this pain at all, and I truly believe there should be resources and materials out there for parents and family to cope with this pain and frustration.
However, it is of utmost importance to remember and understand, that no matter how much you hurt as a parent, the absolute true victims are the children. They are innocent and they are being abused, and will be affected for a lifetime. No offense intended to those in pain, but stop complaining about not seeing your kids or that the kids hate you, and start realizing that it's not about you at all. Your children are in pain if exposed to PA, even if you do see them and even if they do not hate you! It is very important to understand this.
I like to use this scenario. In some countries, children are stolen at a young age, and taught to hate, even their parents, and taught to fight some crazy person's war. How do you think those parents feel? Their children are stolen, they are not seeing them, and even if they managed to find them, they have been brainwashed into hating them. I would bet you a million dollars, that those parents do not talking about not seeing their kids, how hard it is for them (and I"m sure it's excruciating). I bet you their absolute total focus is on getting their children out of the danger they are in, whether or not they are hated in the end, and whether or not they get to see them after. Even if they were allowed to see them, their focus would be to save them from the abuse of the camp.
Can you see the resemblance to PA? Children are 'stolen', parents and grandparents are not seeing them when it becomes moderate to severe, AND in extreme cases, the children are taught to hate their one side of the family. Can you see that it's about the kids! They are being harmed! It's our duty as adults and parents to get them out of that harmful situation, no matter how much pain we are in personally.
I truly 100% believe the above. I am not an alienated parent, but as a person that has seen the kids go through it, as well as the parent, and as a person who has spend 7+ years helping children and parents alike and trying to educate and raise awareness about PA, I can tell you this.. I have minimal sympathy for the parents, and absolute resolution to help, and utmost sympathy for, the kids involved.
So what is the point of all this? What I'm trying to help you understand is to put your own pain aside and concentrate on helping your children. What I"m also trying to point out is that the majority of the world is like me. Especially if they have no exposure to Parental Alienation. People care about children and animals. Just like I care more about getting the children out of the hands of lunatic war lords, than about helping their parents cope with the pain and trauma. I'm not saying I don't care about the parents, I'm saying I care more for the kids.. and so do most people.
So when you are out there raising awareness and education, try to focus on the children. It's their right to see their parents, its their right to have a happy childhood outside of courts, it's their right to know both sides of their family, it's their right to be free of guilt for loving and receiving love from their parents. It's very sad that you may not be seeing them, and people will have some empathy with that, especially if they are exposed to PA, however it's 1000 times more horrific to know that children are not having the right to love both their parents, that they are punished for doing so, emotionally and/or physically, that they are forced to choose, taught to lie, steal and cheat and are missing the support they could use from one half of their family.
They may be two sides of the same coin, but one side is much more effective in raising awareness, helping the kids, and ultimately helping all else involved.
I'd like to end it with this great video that I feel exemplifies what I mean:
It's the same principal as the new Bubbles of Love Campaign. It's about LOVE, it's about what to do to help children, as opposed to what not to do. It's a positive fun message that hopefully the world will embrace. ie: Kids should be free to be loved and show love... love should not be contained.
Happy Parental Alienation Awareness Day everyone. Thank you to all that participate in 20+ countries around the world. Together we CAN make a difference and show the world that love does conquer all :)
For more information, go to www.paawarnessday.com and www.bubblesofloveday.com
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