One of the most common and wide spread signs of parental alienation is denigrating or badmouthing a parent. Some parents do this naively, specially when going through something as emotional as separation and divorce. However, naive parents are receptive to being educated and quickly change their behavior once they realize the harm they are doing to their own children by such behavior.
Non-naive parental alienators will badmouth and denigrate the other parent every opportunit they get, no matter what the cost to their own children. They will also rarely have anything nice to say about the other parent.
For example, a parent may say 'your dad is a deadbeat' or 'your dad is an a**' or 'your mom is a sl**' or 'your mom doesn't want/love you', etc.
There is never a good reason to denigrate a parent in front of or to the child. The child inherently knows they are half their other parent, and will internalize any negative things said about the parent onto themselves.
I have heard people say things like 'But my child needs to know the truth' or 'But the other parent really is an a**, dangerous, or whatever'. All this may be so, but there is still no reason to tell the child. The only reason to tell a child the 'truth' is to make yourself look better. If the other parent is in fact dangerous, then protect your child, there are means for doing so. Don't denigrate or demonize the other parent to your child.
I love that movie 'Life is Beautiful' where the father does everything in his power to make sure his son has no idea he is in a nazi concentration camp or that the German's are the enemy. Why? Because he loves his son. He loves his son more than he hates his situation or the people. There is no need to tell him how awful the nazi's are or how horrible their situation is, in fact he shows zero hatred or anger in front of his child to people that hate them, and he does everything in his power to make the situation fun for his son. He knows his son will find out for himself what it was all about when he is older. He does everything in his power to protect his son from negativity. It's a beautiful movie about the absolute love of a parent for their child. We should all strive to model this and give our children the best and happiest childhood ever.. no matter what our circumstances!
Children deserve a happy and free childhood, free from negativity and the 'truth'. They also only get one childhood. Don't ruin it for them with your 'truth', and your need for making yourself look better. It affects them for life!
This hit a personal note for me. I was not alienated as a child, I was raised by two absolutely loving parents. However even loving well intentioned parents make mistakes as parents and the children suffer the consequences.
ReplyDeleteThere was some history of conflict between my Father and my Maternal Grandfather. As a child I idolized my Grandfather. Why, because as far as I was concerned he loved me and treated me very well. As I got older into “teen” years, my father started to make negative remarks about my grandfather in front of me. I found this so hurtful, and was confused as I wanted to defend my Grandfather honor but did not want to appear disrespectful to my father as I was disagreeing with his opinion of my Grandfather.
There is no winning for a kid when they have been placed in such a difficult and stressful position. As I grew into more adult years the negative comments turned into a hurtful family history lesson about all conflicts between my Grandfather and my Father. And perhaps there was some truth to what my father was saying about my Grandfathers actions, I would hear the same comments I am just telling you the truth ect.
I honestly believe that my father was so angry at my Grandfather ( who of course was now dead at this point) could not stand to witness my absolutely untarnished love and affection for my Grandfather. At this point his mission to “inform me of what kind of a person my Grandfather truly was” became extremely self serving…
The question is was it necessary for me to know this history? All it did was leave me conflicted by being made to feel like I had to defend my Grandfather, but at the same time feel guilty about disappointing my Dad for not taking his side. And in the end my feelings for both family members are now tarnished.
I am sorry to bring this post a little off topic, I realize it is not a “parental alienation” related story, but I still think it demonstrates the same point that sometimes adults need to protect children from the truth, and to be the bigger person and let go of your anger for the sake of the child.
Just my opinion…..
Hi Farizing,
ReplyDeletethank you for your post. Parental ALienation describes a set of behaviors that are harmful to children. Generally they are done by one or both parents against the other, but it does not necessarily have to be so. In your case, it ran into grandparents, and it quiet often does. Sometimes into cousin's, and other extended family. It can also be done by people not even related to the child. For example, I have heard of foster parents, and CAS workers doing it to the children.
Regardless of who does it, the behaviors are the same, and these people need to understand how they affect the child.
Sincerely,
Sarvy