Give them time

A very common sentence that comes out of alienating parents mouths is 'Give the children time'. Some alienating parents may agree verbally that the children need a relationship with the other parent, but when it comes to actually helping the situation, they are reluctant, and will say things like 'The children are very upset, give them time' or 'If you cared so much about your kids, you'd give them time, they will then come to you when ready'.

Don't be fooled! If you agree to this, the time will not come for a very very very long time, if at all. Children don't need 'time', they need guidance. They need their favored parent, and their family, to show them what is acceptable behavior towards the other parent. If they never get this, they will not be likely to come back to the rejected parent. In fact, time will be the most damaging of all because the more they feel they need to avoid the other parent and pick sides, the more distant they may become towards the rejected parent.

In my situation, the alienating parent and her parents and family led the children by example in a classic parental alienation tactic. The mother would either ignore or insult the father at any encounter. So did her family. The children confused by the separation needed guidance on how to behave and that is what they got. So they dutifully followed it. Then after a few weeks of this, the alienating parent decided that the children needed time to stop being angry at their father, and could not understand why the father would not give it to them if he loved them so much!!

Alienating parents such as this, need extreme intervention and education. The only reason a child that had a loving relationship with their parent before, and suddenly are mad at them, is because they are exposed to negativity, stories from one side, negative body language and behavior on one side, and feel like they need to pick a side. These parents must understand how their behavior effects their children, and stop blaming the other parent for every issue. They also need to learn to teach their children how to deal with anger, which is to deal with it, talk it out with the target of their anger if possible, not let is fester and grow.

Any decent educated classy parent would teach their child that even if they are mad at a person, they need to deal with it, still respect the other person as a human being with feelings, and learn to let it go. Specially if that person is a parent. Teaching children to feed their anger, and keep it steaming forward is the worst thing possible for that child.

In my personal situation, the alienating parents family contributed not only to the children's negative behavior and anger, but encouraged and continued to feed their daughters anger.. and still do. They do this by not helping her heal, by encouraging her behavior by not standing up to it, even if it means she may be upset with them for a while. They simply do nothing.

Everyone going through divorce and separation is angry and upset. I was lucky enough to have parents that love me and guided me out of my anger even if it meant I was upset with them for not taking my side. If you don't teach your children love, acceptance, and how to deal with situations no matter how painful, what kind of parent are you? Time will not help! Parent education classes might.

Crappy things happen in life to all of us. It's imperative to show and teach our children the positive way to deal with issues. Time by itself will not do this.. guidance and education will.