Some misinformed parents feel that when you go through a divorce, that means that everyone needs to pick sides, including the children. This is why education is so important. Parents, family and friends need to understand there are no sides when it comes to the children. You are all on the same side... against the world!
Some lawyers feed off this kind of misconception, and encourage their clients to not communicate with the 'other side'.. thus ensuring even more rift, and problems.. and yes, lawyer fees!
Funny how parents seem to be able to resolve things so much faster when the money runs out and parents are forced to talk, negotiate and figure things out. Be careful of lawyers that feed off misinformation that you are at war with the other side and that you should not have any communication with them unless through the lawyer. It's your children's inheritance that suffers in the end when doing this.
In my personal situation, the mother, through her behavior and actions, implied to the children that there was a need to pick sides. A classic sign of an alienating parent, which possibly with education, could have been prevented. What I find even more interesting is that this mother, later when things were better, still continues to feel there is a need to pick sides. She, at the threat of not having them see their grand kids, would force her side of the family to not associate with her ex-husband. What is ironic is she enlisted the help of her live-in boyfriend who is apparently also an alienated parent from his own ex. It always boggles my mind how a target parent cannot see the same behaviors of their ex in their current partner.
Here are some excerpts from this mothers boyfriend to my friend. I put them here as great examples of their line of thinking, and why educating these kinds of parents is so important
"... while you may consider (names removed for privacy)'s family as yours, the REALITY is they are not and ceased to be the day you walked out."
"The fact that despite what you have done, you refer to (X)'s family as your own leads me to believe that you must have many unresolved issues.."
".. It is (X)'s family, and she is the one to ensure your children's involvement in her families life, not you."
Notice the blame (what you did, you walked out, etc) Giving excuses somehow rationalizes this type of behavior to the uneducated/alienating parents. Notice also the last quote, which is likely said to make sure (X)'s threat to her family to make them conform to her wants remains strong. (ie: dont' associate with Y or you will not see your grand kids)
Here is the 'truth' people. It is both parents responsibility to make sure the children have a good relationship with BOTH sides of the family, and that they remain involved with BOTH sides. Especially when they had good involvement and relationships before the separation.
It is also both parents responsibility, as well as both sides of the family, to ensure continuation of existing relationships with all family members. This is not for the parents.. this is for the children! They need to see and hear about their family interacting, and respecting each other.
I read an interesting study a few days ago, written about in Scientific Mind, and presented to the American Psychological Association this past summer. The study compared the effectiveness of 10 kinds of parenting practices that have gotten the thumbs-up in various scientific studies. It stated the top 10 things that children need in order to become happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.
Number one was physical affection from parents.
Number two was stress management and a good relationship between their parents! #2 !!! Above positive parenting, above autonomy and independence, about life skill, behavior management, health, religion and safety!! A good relationship between their parents was the most important after physical affection from parents!!
So here's the message.. it is both parents job to ensure the children have a terrific childhood, and grow up with as much love and support around them as possible. That means, as a parent, you need to do whatever it takes to show your children that you do have a good relationship with the other parent and side of family, even if that means interacting with people you dislike greatly, acting friendly to the 'other man or woman' in your children's lives, giving up making sure you 'right' in every argument, or proving that you are the 'better' parent. What will you do for your children??
There are only a handful of people on this earth that love your children like you do, and that is their immediate family. Why would you deprive them of even one?!
If you really want to think of it as sides and winning.. then think of it like this:
The sides are your children and their family (mom's and dad's side) against 6.7 billion people.
The measurement of winning is making sure the children get a happy, healthy childhood free of picking sides between their mom & dad, and adult issues, so they can be happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.
The contest (life) does not care how hard you have it, how unreasonable the other parent is, or what the other parent 'did' to you. The contest is brutal and unforgiving.. and the faster you figure out both you and the other parent and families are on the same team; your childrens'; the easier you will make it for your children to 'win' in the game of life.
How are you scoring so far?
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
A quick aside
I just wanted to share this with you all as I find it awesome! This family law judge finaly said what needed to be said. Unfortunately it sounds like the poor children in the middle are well into being abused by parental alienation, but hopefully their parents will wake up and do what is right for them.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Give them time
A very common sentence that comes out of alienating parents mouths is 'Give the children time'. Some alienating parents may agree verbally that the children need a relationship with the other parent, but when it comes to actually helping the situation, they are reluctant, and will say things like 'The children are very upset, give them time' or 'If you cared so much about your kids, you'd give them time, they will then come to you when ready'.
Don't be fooled! If you agree to this, the time will not come for a very very very long time, if at all. Children don't need 'time', they need guidance. They need their favored parent, and their family, to show them what is acceptable behavior towards the other parent. If they never get this, they will not be likely to come back to the rejected parent. In fact, time will be the most damaging of all because the more they feel they need to avoid the other parent and pick sides, the more distant they may become towards the rejected parent.
In my situation, the alienating parent and her parents and family led the children by example in a classic parental alienation tactic. The mother would either ignore or insult the father at any encounter. So did her family. The children confused by the separation needed guidance on how to behave and that is what they got. So they dutifully followed it. Then after a few weeks of this, the alienating parent decided that the children needed time to stop being angry at their father, and could not understand why the father would not give it to them if he loved them so much!!
Alienating parents such as this, need extreme intervention and education. The only reason a child that had a loving relationship with their parent before, and suddenly are mad at them, is because they are exposed to negativity, stories from one side, negative body language and behavior on one side, and feel like they need to pick a side. These parents must understand how their behavior effects their children, and stop blaming the other parent for every issue. They also need to learn to teach their children how to deal with anger, which is to deal with it, talk it out with the target of their anger if possible, not let is fester and grow.
Any decent educated classy parent would teach their child that even if they are mad at a person, they need to deal with it, still respect the other person as a human being with feelings, and learn to let it go. Specially if that person is a parent. Teaching children to feed their anger, and keep it steaming forward is the worst thing possible for that child.
In my personal situation, the alienating parents family contributed not only to the children's negative behavior and anger, but encouraged and continued to feed their daughters anger.. and still do. They do this by not helping her heal, by encouraging her behavior by not standing up to it, even if it means she may be upset with them for a while. They simply do nothing.
Everyone going through divorce and separation is angry and upset. I was lucky enough to have parents that love me and guided me out of my anger even if it meant I was upset with them for not taking my side. If you don't teach your children love, acceptance, and how to deal with situations no matter how painful, what kind of parent are you? Time will not help! Parent education classes might.
Crappy things happen in life to all of us. It's imperative to show and teach our children the positive way to deal with issues. Time by itself will not do this.. guidance and education will.
Don't be fooled! If you agree to this, the time will not come for a very very very long time, if at all. Children don't need 'time', they need guidance. They need their favored parent, and their family, to show them what is acceptable behavior towards the other parent. If they never get this, they will not be likely to come back to the rejected parent. In fact, time will be the most damaging of all because the more they feel they need to avoid the other parent and pick sides, the more distant they may become towards the rejected parent.
In my situation, the alienating parent and her parents and family led the children by example in a classic parental alienation tactic. The mother would either ignore or insult the father at any encounter. So did her family. The children confused by the separation needed guidance on how to behave and that is what they got. So they dutifully followed it. Then after a few weeks of this, the alienating parent decided that the children needed time to stop being angry at their father, and could not understand why the father would not give it to them if he loved them so much!!
Alienating parents such as this, need extreme intervention and education. The only reason a child that had a loving relationship with their parent before, and suddenly are mad at them, is because they are exposed to negativity, stories from one side, negative body language and behavior on one side, and feel like they need to pick a side. These parents must understand how their behavior effects their children, and stop blaming the other parent for every issue. They also need to learn to teach their children how to deal with anger, which is to deal with it, talk it out with the target of their anger if possible, not let is fester and grow.
Any decent educated classy parent would teach their child that even if they are mad at a person, they need to deal with it, still respect the other person as a human being with feelings, and learn to let it go. Specially if that person is a parent. Teaching children to feed their anger, and keep it steaming forward is the worst thing possible for that child.
In my personal situation, the alienating parents family contributed not only to the children's negative behavior and anger, but encouraged and continued to feed their daughters anger.. and still do. They do this by not helping her heal, by encouraging her behavior by not standing up to it, even if it means she may be upset with them for a while. They simply do nothing.
Everyone going through divorce and separation is angry and upset. I was lucky enough to have parents that love me and guided me out of my anger even if it meant I was upset with them for not taking my side. If you don't teach your children love, acceptance, and how to deal with situations no matter how painful, what kind of parent are you? Time will not help! Parent education classes might.
Crappy things happen in life to all of us. It's imperative to show and teach our children the positive way to deal with issues. Time by itself will not do this.. guidance and education will.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
No Need to Listen
A very disturbing sign of alienation is a parent that teaches the child they don't have to respect or listen to the other parent. They undermine the other parents authority, and in doing so teach their child a very disturbing lesson.. no need to listen to any authority!
Often, these children grow up with no respect for any type of authority, including the law. Look at our jail cells, they are filled with adults who went through single parent childhoods, likely with parental alienation involved. It would be a very interesting study to find out what precentage exactly...
These children may also have trouble at school or work, listening to any form of authority. The ironic thing is eventualy most of these children stop listening to their alienating parent as well, and the alienating parent may have trouble controlling or protecting them from things like peer pressure, etc.
Sad for children, and sad for all of us living in a society where alienation is rampant!
Often, these children grow up with no respect for any type of authority, including the law. Look at our jail cells, they are filled with adults who went through single parent childhoods, likely with parental alienation involved. It would be a very interesting study to find out what precentage exactly...
These children may also have trouble at school or work, listening to any form of authority. The ironic thing is eventualy most of these children stop listening to their alienating parent as well, and the alienating parent may have trouble controlling or protecting them from things like peer pressure, etc.
Sad for children, and sad for all of us living in a society where alienation is rampant!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Call me a dog
One of the most common and wide spread signs of parental alienation is denigrating or badmouthing a parent. Some parents do this naively, specially when going through something as emotional as separation and divorce. However, naive parents are receptive to being educated and quickly change their behavior once they realize the harm they are doing to their own children by such behavior.
Non-naive parental alienators will badmouth and denigrate the other parent every opportunit they get, no matter what the cost to their own children. They will also rarely have anything nice to say about the other parent.
For example, a parent may say 'your dad is a deadbeat' or 'your dad is an a**' or 'your mom is a sl**' or 'your mom doesn't want/love you', etc.
There is never a good reason to denigrate a parent in front of or to the child. The child inherently knows they are half their other parent, and will internalize any negative things said about the parent onto themselves.
I have heard people say things like 'But my child needs to know the truth' or 'But the other parent really is an a**, dangerous, or whatever'. All this may be so, but there is still no reason to tell the child. The only reason to tell a child the 'truth' is to make yourself look better. If the other parent is in fact dangerous, then protect your child, there are means for doing so. Don't denigrate or demonize the other parent to your child.
I love that movie 'Life is Beautiful' where the father does everything in his power to make sure his son has no idea he is in a nazi concentration camp or that the German's are the enemy. Why? Because he loves his son. He loves his son more than he hates his situation or the people. There is no need to tell him how awful the nazi's are or how horrible their situation is, in fact he shows zero hatred or anger in front of his child to people that hate them, and he does everything in his power to make the situation fun for his son. He knows his son will find out for himself what it was all about when he is older. He does everything in his power to protect his son from negativity. It's a beautiful movie about the absolute love of a parent for their child. We should all strive to model this and give our children the best and happiest childhood ever.. no matter what our circumstances!
Children deserve a happy and free childhood, free from negativity and the 'truth'. They also only get one childhood. Don't ruin it for them with your 'truth', and your need for making yourself look better. It affects them for life!
Non-naive parental alienators will badmouth and denigrate the other parent every opportunit they get, no matter what the cost to their own children. They will also rarely have anything nice to say about the other parent.
For example, a parent may say 'your dad is a deadbeat' or 'your dad is an a**' or 'your mom is a sl**' or 'your mom doesn't want/love you', etc.
There is never a good reason to denigrate a parent in front of or to the child. The child inherently knows they are half their other parent, and will internalize any negative things said about the parent onto themselves.
I have heard people say things like 'But my child needs to know the truth' or 'But the other parent really is an a**, dangerous, or whatever'. All this may be so, but there is still no reason to tell the child. The only reason to tell a child the 'truth' is to make yourself look better. If the other parent is in fact dangerous, then protect your child, there are means for doing so. Don't denigrate or demonize the other parent to your child.
I love that movie 'Life is Beautiful' where the father does everything in his power to make sure his son has no idea he is in a nazi concentration camp or that the German's are the enemy. Why? Because he loves his son. He loves his son more than he hates his situation or the people. There is no need to tell him how awful the nazi's are or how horrible their situation is, in fact he shows zero hatred or anger in front of his child to people that hate them, and he does everything in his power to make the situation fun for his son. He knows his son will find out for himself what it was all about when he is older. He does everything in his power to protect his son from negativity. It's a beautiful movie about the absolute love of a parent for their child. We should all strive to model this and give our children the best and happiest childhood ever.. no matter what our circumstances!
Children deserve a happy and free childhood, free from negativity and the 'truth'. They also only get one childhood. Don't ruin it for them with your 'truth', and your need for making yourself look better. It affects them for life!
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