On this day, the day after the 6th Annual Parental Alienation Awareness Day, I wanted to share with you a true story. The below is an excerpt from an email from a alienator.. a lady who alienated her ex husband from her kids for 16+ years, and then later apologized to her ex and children. (All names removed for privacy)
"I wanted to share something with you as I listened and then read what was being said (on the radio show), I noticed that they were completely absorbed in talking about how awful alienators are and how they do it on purpose and so forth. I thot to myself, how in the heck is that helping anything???
Then I thought about what has helped me and it came to me. (My ex husband), first of all, and others such as you and Sarvy have played a big role in this...an alienator needs an environment where repentance is accepted and welcomed and forgiveness is available...and then accountability for their future behavior towards their kids, especially.
One of the reasons why talking about alienators and how bad they are is that the alienators are doing the same thing about the targeted parent. What if all those people's kids heard them talking about their mom/dad that way?
The goal is to have change, for the alienators to see their behavior is damaging, to repent (turn from it) and have forgiveness extended and then accountability. If (my ex husband) hadn't have forgiven me, I would not have had much motivation to keep changing!
It is extremely easy to alienate. It can be as simple as being silent when your child talks about their other parent or as awful as threatening to never speak to the child again if they have to do with their other parent. It also escalates very quickly.
I'm also beginning to see more and more (especially for myself) that jealousy is my BIG problem. I really struggle with that. I had so much taken away from me by my parents and want to hang on to what I have left and steal back what they stole...namely our kids loyalty, love, and affection...their souls. So I plan to study jealousy from the Bible and see how the Bible says I should handle it.
The thing is also that children who are alienated will most likely turn on their alienators someday and may also alienate the grandchildren from their alienator because they have learned that it is accepted behavior. I know that from my own experience and from what (my daughter) has said to me.
....
An additional note that I thot of, Sarvy, is surprisingly enough, I first realized that my behavior was wrong towards (my ex) and then, after reading about PA on your site and others, I realized that I had wronged our kids also. When I apologized to (my ex), I really didn't expect him to accept my apology, I just knew that it was the right thing to do. The rest of the story...you already know.
Thank you, Sarvy, for your acceptance and care you have manifested towards me. It has been a rocky road for me at times as I am healing and still dealing with alienation...didn't see that coming...the continued alienation from my family. I hope that what I am learning can be used to help others at times.
Hope this might help in some way. Sometimes when I hear people "ranting" about alienators, I want to say "wait a minute!". Because I come from a family of alienators and used to be one, I'd like to "set the record straight". But that won't accomplish much also...we want change, not more attention for them because they love attention...I try to work at what my motivations are when I talk about PA...still getting the "poison" out..."
I wanted to share this with you because this wonderful ladie's email to me gives great insight into Alienators. We all have moments where we just get so angry and frustrated with their tactics and wish horrible things on them. I'm no angel myself when it comes to my BF's ex and her family. But if we don't step back, realize that alienators also need help, and give them space and room to change by forgiving, then we are also part of the problem.
Showing posts with label sarvy emo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sarvy emo. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Power of Words
With Parental Alienation Awareness Day April 25th fast approaching, I'm going to take a slight tangent off Signs of PA for this post and talk about PA and it's effects on children, awareness and education.
When I started Parental Alienation Awareness Day, it was to educate Roger's ex and her family about the damage they were doing to their own (grand)children. PAAO was borne out of that same premise. In the beginning, I had many arguments and discussions with Roger, and later with other parents. The discussion is about PA and it's effects on children vs it's effects on parents and family.
I'd like to say I fully understand how hard it is as a parent. I have seen Roger go through the pain of not seeing his children for more than 2 years, of the horror of the false accusations his ex threw at him, and the despair and infinite frustration at the courts for not dong anything about it and allowing his children to be abused emotionally and mentally. I am not diminishing this pain at all, and I truly believe there should be resources and materials out there for parents and family to cope with this pain and frustration.
However, it is of utmost importance to remember and understand, that no matter how much you hurt as a parent, the absolute true victims are the children. They are innocent and they are being abused, and will be affected for a lifetime. No offense intended to those in pain, but stop complaining about not seeing your kids or that the kids hate you, and start realizing that it's not about you at all. Your children are in pain if exposed to PA, even if you do see them and even if they do not hate you! It is very important to understand this.
I like to use this scenario. In some countries, children are stolen at a young age, and taught to hate, even their parents, and taught to fight some crazy person's war. How do you think those parents feel? Their children are stolen, they are not seeing them, and even if they managed to find them, they have been brainwashed into hating them. I would bet you a million dollars, that those parents do not talking about not seeing their kids, how hard it is for them (and I"m sure it's excruciating). I bet you their absolute total focus is on getting their children out of the danger they are in, whether or not they are hated in the end, and whether or not they get to see them after. Even if they were allowed to see them, their focus would be to save them from the abuse of the camp.
Can you see the resemblance to PA? Children are 'stolen', parents and grandparents are not seeing them when it becomes moderate to severe, AND in extreme cases, the children are taught to hate their one side of the family. Can you see that it's about the kids! They are being harmed! It's our duty as adults and parents to get them out of that harmful situation, no matter how much pain we are in personally.
I truly 100% believe the above. I am not an alienated parent, but as a person that has seen the kids go through it, as well as the parent, and as a person who has spend 7+ years helping children and parents alike and trying to educate and raise awareness about PA, I can tell you this.. I have minimal sympathy for the parents, and absolute resolution to help, and utmost sympathy for, the kids involved.
So what is the point of all this? What I'm trying to help you understand is to put your own pain aside and concentrate on helping your children. What I"m also trying to point out is that the majority of the world is like me. Especially if they have no exposure to Parental Alienation. People care about children and animals. Just like I care more about getting the children out of the hands of lunatic war lords, than about helping their parents cope with the pain and trauma. I'm not saying I don't care about the parents, I'm saying I care more for the kids.. and so do most people.
So when you are out there raising awareness and education, try to focus on the children. It's their right to see their parents, its their right to have a happy childhood outside of courts, it's their right to know both sides of their family, it's their right to be free of guilt for loving and receiving love from their parents. It's very sad that you may not be seeing them, and people will have some empathy with that, especially if they are exposed to PA, however it's 1000 times more horrific to know that children are not having the right to love both their parents, that they are punished for doing so, emotionally and/or physically, that they are forced to choose, taught to lie, steal and cheat and are missing the support they could use from one half of their family.
They may be two sides of the same coin, but one side is much more effective in raising awareness, helping the kids, and ultimately helping all else involved.
I'd like to end it with this great video that I feel exemplifies what I mean:
It's the same principal as the new Bubbles of Love Campaign. It's about LOVE, it's about what to do to help children, as opposed to what not to do. It's a positive fun message that hopefully the world will embrace. ie: Kids should be free to be loved and show love... love should not be contained.
Happy Parental Alienation Awareness Day everyone. Thank you to all that participate in 20+ countries around the world. Together we CAN make a difference and show the world that love does conquer all :)
For more information, go to www.paawarnessday.com and www.bubblesofloveday.com
When I started Parental Alienation Awareness Day, it was to educate Roger's ex and her family about the damage they were doing to their own (grand)children. PAAO was borne out of that same premise. In the beginning, I had many arguments and discussions with Roger, and later with other parents. The discussion is about PA and it's effects on children vs it's effects on parents and family.
I'd like to say I fully understand how hard it is as a parent. I have seen Roger go through the pain of not seeing his children for more than 2 years, of the horror of the false accusations his ex threw at him, and the despair and infinite frustration at the courts for not dong anything about it and allowing his children to be abused emotionally and mentally. I am not diminishing this pain at all, and I truly believe there should be resources and materials out there for parents and family to cope with this pain and frustration.
However, it is of utmost importance to remember and understand, that no matter how much you hurt as a parent, the absolute true victims are the children. They are innocent and they are being abused, and will be affected for a lifetime. No offense intended to those in pain, but stop complaining about not seeing your kids or that the kids hate you, and start realizing that it's not about you at all. Your children are in pain if exposed to PA, even if you do see them and even if they do not hate you! It is very important to understand this.
I like to use this scenario. In some countries, children are stolen at a young age, and taught to hate, even their parents, and taught to fight some crazy person's war. How do you think those parents feel? Their children are stolen, they are not seeing them, and even if they managed to find them, they have been brainwashed into hating them. I would bet you a million dollars, that those parents do not talking about not seeing their kids, how hard it is for them (and I"m sure it's excruciating). I bet you their absolute total focus is on getting their children out of the danger they are in, whether or not they are hated in the end, and whether or not they get to see them after. Even if they were allowed to see them, their focus would be to save them from the abuse of the camp.
Can you see the resemblance to PA? Children are 'stolen', parents and grandparents are not seeing them when it becomes moderate to severe, AND in extreme cases, the children are taught to hate their one side of the family. Can you see that it's about the kids! They are being harmed! It's our duty as adults and parents to get them out of that harmful situation, no matter how much pain we are in personally.
I truly 100% believe the above. I am not an alienated parent, but as a person that has seen the kids go through it, as well as the parent, and as a person who has spend 7+ years helping children and parents alike and trying to educate and raise awareness about PA, I can tell you this.. I have minimal sympathy for the parents, and absolute resolution to help, and utmost sympathy for, the kids involved.
So what is the point of all this? What I'm trying to help you understand is to put your own pain aside and concentrate on helping your children. What I"m also trying to point out is that the majority of the world is like me. Especially if they have no exposure to Parental Alienation. People care about children and animals. Just like I care more about getting the children out of the hands of lunatic war lords, than about helping their parents cope with the pain and trauma. I'm not saying I don't care about the parents, I'm saying I care more for the kids.. and so do most people.
So when you are out there raising awareness and education, try to focus on the children. It's their right to see their parents, its their right to have a happy childhood outside of courts, it's their right to know both sides of their family, it's their right to be free of guilt for loving and receiving love from their parents. It's very sad that you may not be seeing them, and people will have some empathy with that, especially if they are exposed to PA, however it's 1000 times more horrific to know that children are not having the right to love both their parents, that they are punished for doing so, emotionally and/or physically, that they are forced to choose, taught to lie, steal and cheat and are missing the support they could use from one half of their family.
They may be two sides of the same coin, but one side is much more effective in raising awareness, helping the kids, and ultimately helping all else involved.
I'd like to end it with this great video that I feel exemplifies what I mean:
It's the same principal as the new Bubbles of Love Campaign. It's about LOVE, it's about what to do to help children, as opposed to what not to do. It's a positive fun message that hopefully the world will embrace. ie: Kids should be free to be loved and show love... love should not be contained.
Happy Parental Alienation Awareness Day everyone. Thank you to all that participate in 20+ countries around the world. Together we CAN make a difference and show the world that love does conquer all :)
For more information, go to www.paawarnessday.com and www.bubblesofloveday.com
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Making a Mountain out of Shrubbery
This is an interesting tactic of alienators. I used the title Mountain out of Shrubbery, 1st because I love Monty Python and second, because the mountain has barely a relationship with shrubbery (unlike a molehill), but it's still relevant as there is shrubbery on mountains.
What does all this mean? What I'm trying to say is that alienators have a knack of taking an inane everyday occurrence and turning it around into a major act of bad parenting. I'll give you some examples from the alienator in my situation.
My friend took his children to Playdium. For those of you not familiar with Playdium, it's an arcade center where kids play games and win tickets, then at the end, they can take those tickets and trade them in for prizes. The more tickets, the better the prize. I believe Sylvan learning centers also work like this concept, the better you do at homework, the more stars or tickets you get and then you can trade them in for prizes.
Well, my friend took his children to Playdium on one of this parenting weekends. They were around 8 and 12 or so. Next thing he knows he's hit with a motion from the kids mother, the alienator, that he is a horrible parent and has taken the children to a 'gambling establishment'!
Again, many things are wrong with this scenario besides the obvious. One is that the same shameful human being Sharon Shore of Epstein Cole in Toronto, actually puts such crap into legal documetion just to harass my friend, waste court time and obviously make more money for her! Secondly, the children wanted to go to Playdium because the weekend before one of them was at a friends birthday party held at Playdium (which I guess the mother had no issue about as they were not with their father), and thirdly, this is coming from a woman who took her children to Las Vegas hotels and gambling establishments herself!
Again, if two innocent children and thousand of dollars wasted on bullshit like this were not involved, this is so ridiculous, it's hilarious. I bet Monty Python would have a hay day with it even!
There are many examples of things like this. Again from my situation... 7 year old daughter going into dads bed at night becomes 'inappropriate behavior' on the part of the father, taking the daughter to a park and talking to kids at the park becomes 'dangerous irresponsible' behavior on the part of the father, father being late for drop off by 10 minutes becomes 'abduction', father taking the kids out for ice cream becomes 'feeds them nothing but junk food'.. and so on. I think you get my drift.
Alienators will pick at minute, mundane events and turn them into giant mountains of concern that they need to 'protect' the children from. They seem to have no concept of reasonable behavior, and interestingly enough cannot see any of their own parenting or human flaws. They are obsessed and focused on finding every little thing they can to exaggerate how 'bad' a parent the other person is, and how 'good' a parent they are. What is sad about all this and why education and awareness is so important, is that some lawyers encourage this type of behavior (such as Sharon Shore of Epstein Cole) by putting it into legal documentation!
Maybe you have some examples of this kind of behavior.. ridiculous things that everyday people have no issue with but the alianator has turned into a 'mountain'. Share it with me and others on this blog.
What does all this mean? What I'm trying to say is that alienators have a knack of taking an inane everyday occurrence and turning it around into a major act of bad parenting. I'll give you some examples from the alienator in my situation.
My friend took his children to Playdium. For those of you not familiar with Playdium, it's an arcade center where kids play games and win tickets, then at the end, they can take those tickets and trade them in for prizes. The more tickets, the better the prize. I believe Sylvan learning centers also work like this concept, the better you do at homework, the more stars or tickets you get and then you can trade them in for prizes.
Well, my friend took his children to Playdium on one of this parenting weekends. They were around 8 and 12 or so. Next thing he knows he's hit with a motion from the kids mother, the alienator, that he is a horrible parent and has taken the children to a 'gambling establishment'!
Again, many things are wrong with this scenario besides the obvious. One is that the same shameful human being Sharon Shore of Epstein Cole in Toronto, actually puts such crap into legal documetion just to harass my friend, waste court time and obviously make more money for her! Secondly, the children wanted to go to Playdium because the weekend before one of them was at a friends birthday party held at Playdium (which I guess the mother had no issue about as they were not with their father), and thirdly, this is coming from a woman who took her children to Las Vegas hotels and gambling establishments herself!
Again, if two innocent children and thousand of dollars wasted on bullshit like this were not involved, this is so ridiculous, it's hilarious. I bet Monty Python would have a hay day with it even!
There are many examples of things like this. Again from my situation... 7 year old daughter going into dads bed at night becomes 'inappropriate behavior' on the part of the father, taking the daughter to a park and talking to kids at the park becomes 'dangerous irresponsible' behavior on the part of the father, father being late for drop off by 10 minutes becomes 'abduction', father taking the kids out for ice cream becomes 'feeds them nothing but junk food'.. and so on. I think you get my drift.
Alienators will pick at minute, mundane events and turn them into giant mountains of concern that they need to 'protect' the children from. They seem to have no concept of reasonable behavior, and interestingly enough cannot see any of their own parenting or human flaws. They are obsessed and focused on finding every little thing they can to exaggerate how 'bad' a parent the other person is, and how 'good' a parent they are. What is sad about all this and why education and awareness is so important, is that some lawyers encourage this type of behavior (such as Sharon Shore of Epstein Cole) by putting it into legal documentation!
Maybe you have some examples of this kind of behavior.. ridiculous things that everyday people have no issue with but the alianator has turned into a 'mountain'. Share it with me and others on this blog.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Blame it on the children
We just got this email last night from the abuser in my situation. I wanted to share it with you all because it's an excellent example of how alienators manipulate everything to make it seem like their abuse is really for the sake of the children. BTW, this occured after 7 years of not following her own agreement, but now that child support (ie: money) is in question, she is using it as a form of control over my friend. This is also a very common form of alienation as alienators need to have control, that is what it's all about!
So let's look at her email:
"In observance of our agreement I would like to reiterate your access.
Wednesday evening and every second Saturday.
...
Please observe the schedule and refrain from involving/ pressuring the girls
into agreeing to break the set schedule. When you do so they feel
unnecessary guilt which creates unwarranted conflicts. "
The sentence to note is in bold and underlined.
What she is really saying is that even if the girls want to see you or want you to pick them up from school/work, you need to decline because they know the schedule now, and I will make them feel damn guilty about it for seeing you outside of it!
I co-parent with my ex, and the children come and go as they wish even if it's against our 'set schedule', they never ever feel any 'unnecessary guilt' or have 'unwarranted conflicts'. This is because my ex and I love them more than to use them in our petty conflicts, and put their happiness first.
It is disturbing and disgusting to hide self-centered behavior behind the pretense of 'what is best for the children'. What is best for children is for them to feel free to love and see both their parents as they wish without manipulation. My friends children are not retarded or stupid. They are just as smart and able as other children and capable of adjusting to things as long as both their parents encourage them to. It's when one side, like this alienator, manipulates them that 'unwarranted conflicts' arise!
This is very sad for all involved, especially the children. However, it is also a great example of how alienators twist things to make it look like they are watching out for their children, not themselves.
Notice how before it was 'I can't help it, the children don't want to see you and making them would cause pain/suffering/guilt', and now it's 'be a good father and stop making the children want to see you as it's causing them pain/suffering/guilt'. In either case she is hiding her self-interest behind the rouse that it's for the children's sake and trying to make him look like a 'bad parent' for wanting what is really best for his children.
So let's look at her email:
"In observance of our agreement I would like to reiterate your access.
Wednesday evening and every second Saturday.
...
Please observe the schedule and refrain from involving/ pressuring the girls
into agreeing to break the set schedule. When you do so they feel
unnecessary guilt which creates unwarranted conflicts. "
The sentence to note is in bold and underlined.
What she is really saying is that even if the girls want to see you or want you to pick them up from school/work, you need to decline because they know the schedule now, and I will make them feel damn guilty about it for seeing you outside of it!
I co-parent with my ex, and the children come and go as they wish even if it's against our 'set schedule', they never ever feel any 'unnecessary guilt' or have 'unwarranted conflicts'. This is because my ex and I love them more than to use them in our petty conflicts, and put their happiness first.
It is disturbing and disgusting to hide self-centered behavior behind the pretense of 'what is best for the children'. What is best for children is for them to feel free to love and see both their parents as they wish without manipulation. My friends children are not retarded or stupid. They are just as smart and able as other children and capable of adjusting to things as long as both their parents encourage them to. It's when one side, like this alienator, manipulates them that 'unwarranted conflicts' arise!
This is very sad for all involved, especially the children. However, it is also a great example of how alienators twist things to make it look like they are watching out for their children, not themselves.
Notice how before it was 'I can't help it, the children don't want to see you and making them would cause pain/suffering/guilt', and now it's 'be a good father and stop making the children want to see you as it's causing them pain/suffering/guilt'. In either case she is hiding her self-interest behind the rouse that it's for the children's sake and trying to make him look like a 'bad parent' for wanting what is really best for his children.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Whose side are you on?
Some misinformed parents feel that when you go through a divorce, that means that everyone needs to pick sides, including the children. This is why education is so important. Parents, family and friends need to understand there are no sides when it comes to the children. You are all on the same side... against the world!
Some lawyers feed off this kind of misconception, and encourage their clients to not communicate with the 'other side'.. thus ensuring even more rift, and problems.. and yes, lawyer fees!
Funny how parents seem to be able to resolve things so much faster when the money runs out and parents are forced to talk, negotiate and figure things out. Be careful of lawyers that feed off misinformation that you are at war with the other side and that you should not have any communication with them unless through the lawyer. It's your children's inheritance that suffers in the end when doing this.
In my personal situation, the mother, through her behavior and actions, implied to the children that there was a need to pick sides. A classic sign of an alienating parent, which possibly with education, could have been prevented. What I find even more interesting is that this mother, later when things were better, still continues to feel there is a need to pick sides. She, at the threat of not having them see their grand kids, would force her side of the family to not associate with her ex-husband. What is ironic is she enlisted the help of her live-in boyfriend who is apparently also an alienated parent from his own ex. It always boggles my mind how a target parent cannot see the same behaviors of their ex in their current partner.
Here are some excerpts from this mothers boyfriend to my friend. I put them here as great examples of their line of thinking, and why educating these kinds of parents is so important
"... while you may consider (names removed for privacy)'s family as yours, the REALITY is they are not and ceased to be the day you walked out."
"The fact that despite what you have done, you refer to (X)'s family as your own leads me to believe that you must have many unresolved issues.."
".. It is (X)'s family, and she is the one to ensure your children's involvement in her families life, not you."
Notice the blame (what you did, you walked out, etc) Giving excuses somehow rationalizes this type of behavior to the uneducated/alienating parents. Notice also the last quote, which is likely said to make sure (X)'s threat to her family to make them conform to her wants remains strong. (ie: dont' associate with Y or you will not see your grand kids)
Here is the 'truth' people. It is both parents responsibility to make sure the children have a good relationship with BOTH sides of the family, and that they remain involved with BOTH sides. Especially when they had good involvement and relationships before the separation.
It is also both parents responsibility, as well as both sides of the family, to ensure continuation of existing relationships with all family members. This is not for the parents.. this is for the children! They need to see and hear about their family interacting, and respecting each other.
I read an interesting study a few days ago, written about in Scientific Mind, and presented to the American Psychological Association this past summer. The study compared the effectiveness of 10 kinds of parenting practices that have gotten the thumbs-up in various scientific studies. It stated the top 10 things that children need in order to become happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.
Number one was physical affection from parents.
Number two was stress management and a good relationship between their parents! #2 !!! Above positive parenting, above autonomy and independence, about life skill, behavior management, health, religion and safety!! A good relationship between their parents was the most important after physical affection from parents!!
So here's the message.. it is both parents job to ensure the children have a terrific childhood, and grow up with as much love and support around them as possible. That means, as a parent, you need to do whatever it takes to show your children that you do have a good relationship with the other parent and side of family, even if that means interacting with people you dislike greatly, acting friendly to the 'other man or woman' in your children's lives, giving up making sure you 'right' in every argument, or proving that you are the 'better' parent. What will you do for your children??
There are only a handful of people on this earth that love your children like you do, and that is their immediate family. Why would you deprive them of even one?!
If you really want to think of it as sides and winning.. then think of it like this:
The sides are your children and their family (mom's and dad's side) against 6.7 billion people.
The measurement of winning is making sure the children get a happy, healthy childhood free of picking sides between their mom & dad, and adult issues, so they can be happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.
The contest (life) does not care how hard you have it, how unreasonable the other parent is, or what the other parent 'did' to you. The contest is brutal and unforgiving.. and the faster you figure out both you and the other parent and families are on the same team; your childrens'; the easier you will make it for your children to 'win' in the game of life.
How are you scoring so far?
Some lawyers feed off this kind of misconception, and encourage their clients to not communicate with the 'other side'.. thus ensuring even more rift, and problems.. and yes, lawyer fees!
Funny how parents seem to be able to resolve things so much faster when the money runs out and parents are forced to talk, negotiate and figure things out. Be careful of lawyers that feed off misinformation that you are at war with the other side and that you should not have any communication with them unless through the lawyer. It's your children's inheritance that suffers in the end when doing this.
In my personal situation, the mother, through her behavior and actions, implied to the children that there was a need to pick sides. A classic sign of an alienating parent, which possibly with education, could have been prevented. What I find even more interesting is that this mother, later when things were better, still continues to feel there is a need to pick sides. She, at the threat of not having them see their grand kids, would force her side of the family to not associate with her ex-husband. What is ironic is she enlisted the help of her live-in boyfriend who is apparently also an alienated parent from his own ex. It always boggles my mind how a target parent cannot see the same behaviors of their ex in their current partner.
Here are some excerpts from this mothers boyfriend to my friend. I put them here as great examples of their line of thinking, and why educating these kinds of parents is so important
"... while you may consider (names removed for privacy)'s family as yours, the REALITY is they are not and ceased to be the day you walked out."
"The fact that despite what you have done, you refer to (X)'s family as your own leads me to believe that you must have many unresolved issues.."
".. It is (X)'s family, and she is the one to ensure your children's involvement in her families life, not you."
Notice the blame (what you did, you walked out, etc) Giving excuses somehow rationalizes this type of behavior to the uneducated/alienating parents. Notice also the last quote, which is likely said to make sure (X)'s threat to her family to make them conform to her wants remains strong. (ie: dont' associate with Y or you will not see your grand kids)
Here is the 'truth' people. It is both parents responsibility to make sure the children have a good relationship with BOTH sides of the family, and that they remain involved with BOTH sides. Especially when they had good involvement and relationships before the separation.
It is also both parents responsibility, as well as both sides of the family, to ensure continuation of existing relationships with all family members. This is not for the parents.. this is for the children! They need to see and hear about their family interacting, and respecting each other.
I read an interesting study a few days ago, written about in Scientific Mind, and presented to the American Psychological Association this past summer. The study compared the effectiveness of 10 kinds of parenting practices that have gotten the thumbs-up in various scientific studies. It stated the top 10 things that children need in order to become happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.
Number one was physical affection from parents.
Number two was stress management and a good relationship between their parents! #2 !!! Above positive parenting, above autonomy and independence, about life skill, behavior management, health, religion and safety!! A good relationship between their parents was the most important after physical affection from parents!!
So here's the message.. it is both parents job to ensure the children have a terrific childhood, and grow up with as much love and support around them as possible. That means, as a parent, you need to do whatever it takes to show your children that you do have a good relationship with the other parent and side of family, even if that means interacting with people you dislike greatly, acting friendly to the 'other man or woman' in your children's lives, giving up making sure you 'right' in every argument, or proving that you are the 'better' parent. What will you do for your children??
There are only a handful of people on this earth that love your children like you do, and that is their immediate family. Why would you deprive them of even one?!
If you really want to think of it as sides and winning.. then think of it like this:
The sides are your children and their family (mom's and dad's side) against 6.7 billion people.
The measurement of winning is making sure the children get a happy, healthy childhood free of picking sides between their mom & dad, and adult issues, so they can be happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.
The contest (life) does not care how hard you have it, how unreasonable the other parent is, or what the other parent 'did' to you. The contest is brutal and unforgiving.. and the faster you figure out both you and the other parent and families are on the same team; your childrens'; the easier you will make it for your children to 'win' in the game of life.
How are you scoring so far?
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