Confirmation.. or not!

Two weeks ago was my friend's youngest daughters Confirmation. I'm not sure what that is, but apparently it's an important event in a child's life of a certain faith. It was an important event in the life of this young girl. My friend found out about it last week, a week after it happened,.. by accident. This is a classic example of alienation still happening even though my friend has a good relationship with his daughter and see's her often. Parental Alienation is not about parents not seeing their children, it's about a form of emotional and mental abuse of that child, even if you are seeing them. I hope this example makes it clear.

Now, I would suggest you confront the other parent and their family, in a very polite manner, every time something like this happens, because if you just say nothing, you have given them permission to do it again.

I'm sure any kind of confrontation would be met with 'X did not want you there, or she felt uncomfortable with you there so I did what was best for the child, or if she wanted you there, she would have told you about it'. A remark like this can be answered with something like.. "As a parent, you should have communicated the event to me yourself, not put the child in the middle. Also as a parent, you should have insisted on both sides of the family being there, we need to teach our children respect of family. I suggest you take some parenting classes in order to be more aware of what children need, may I suggest XYZ class on X night, and I'm happy to do them with you as well!" Note none of it is said in anger. It's a fact, if you can't control your children or you can't understand that you need to communicate with the other parent, then parenting classes may be of great benefit.

The point is not to get angry or point fingers, the point is to speak up in a polite, non-anger fueled manner, suggest a solution, and even though it will most likely be ignored, you have said something, done your part, and not ignored it. Alienators thrive on people saying nothing. Someone once said all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing. So say something.. I stress again.. politely and as nicely as possible.. but still say something. Do not just ignore it, it will get worst, not better.

The Power of Words

With Parental Alienation Awareness Day April 25th fast approaching, I'm going to take a slight tangent off Signs of PA for this post and talk about PA and it's effects on children, awareness and education.

When I started Parental Alienation Awareness Day, it was to educate Roger's ex and her family about the damage they were doing to their own (grand)children. PAAO was borne out of that same premise. In the beginning, I had many arguments and discussions with Roger, and later with other parents. The discussion is about PA and it's effects on children vs it's effects on parents and family.

I'd like to say I fully understand how hard it is as a parent. I have seen Roger go through the pain of not seeing his children for more than 2 years, of the horror of the false accusations his ex threw at him, and the despair and infinite frustration at the courts for not dong anything about it and allowing his children to be abused emotionally and mentally. I am not diminishing this pain at all, and I truly believe there should be resources and materials out there for parents and family to cope with this pain and frustration.

However, it is of utmost importance to remember and understand, that no matter how much you hurt as a parent, the absolute true victims are the children. They are innocent and they are being abused, and will be affected for a lifetime. No offense intended to those in pain, but stop complaining about not seeing your kids or that the kids hate you, and start realizing that it's not about you at all. Your children are in pain if exposed to PA, even if you do see them and even if they do not hate you! It is very important to understand this.

I like to use this scenario. In some countries, children are stolen at a young age, and taught to hate, even their parents, and taught to fight some crazy person's war. How do you think those parents feel? Their children are stolen, they are not seeing them, and even if they managed to find them, they have been brainwashed into hating them. I would bet you a million dollars, that those parents do not talking about not seeing their kids, how hard it is for them (and I"m sure it's excruciating). I bet you their absolute total focus is on getting their children out of the danger they are in, whether or not they are hated in the end, and whether or not they get to see them after. Even if they were allowed to see them, their focus would be to save them from the abuse of the camp.
Can you see the resemblance to PA? Children are 'stolen', parents and grandparents are not seeing them when it becomes moderate to severe, AND in extreme cases, the children are taught to hate their one side of the family. Can you see that it's about the kids! They are being harmed! It's our duty as adults and parents to get them out of that harmful situation, no matter how much pain we are in personally.

I truly 100% believe the above. I am not an alienated parent, but as a person that has seen the kids go through it, as well as the parent, and as a person who has spend 7+ years helping children and parents alike and trying to educate and raise awareness about PA, I can tell you this.. I have minimal sympathy for the parents, and absolute resolution to help, and utmost sympathy for, the kids involved.

So what is the point of all this? What I'm trying to help you understand is to put your own pain aside and concentrate on helping your children. What I"m also trying to point out is that the majority of the world is like me. Especially if they have no exposure to Parental Alienation. People care about children and animals. Just like I care more about getting the children out of the hands of lunatic war lords, than about helping their parents cope with the pain and trauma. I'm not saying I don't care about the parents, I'm saying I care more for the kids.. and so do most people.

So when you are out there raising awareness and education, try to focus on the children. It's their right to see their parents, its their right to have a happy childhood outside of courts, it's their right to know both sides of their family, it's their right to be free of guilt for loving and receiving love from their parents. It's very sad that you may not be seeing them, and people will have some empathy with that, especially if they are exposed to PA, however it's 1000 times more horrific to know that children are not having the right to love both their parents, that they are punished for doing so, emotionally and/or physically, that they are forced to choose, taught to lie, steal and cheat and are missing the support they could use from one half of their family.

They may be two sides of the same coin, but one side is much more effective in raising awareness, helping the kids, and ultimately helping all else involved.

I'd like to end it with this great video that I feel exemplifies what I mean:

It's the same principal as the new Bubbles of Love Campaign. It's about LOVE, it's about what to do to help children, as opposed to what not to do. It's a positive fun message that hopefully the world will embrace. ie: Kids should be free to be loved and show love... love should not be contained.

Happy Parental Alienation Awareness Day everyone. Thank you to all that participate in 20+ countries around the world. Together we CAN make a difference and show the world that love does conquer all :)

For more information, go to www.paawarnessday.com and www.bubblesofloveday.com

Whose side are you on?

Some misinformed parents feel that when you go through a divorce, that means that everyone needs to pick sides, including the children. This is why education is so important. Parents, family and friends need to understand there are no sides when it comes to the children. You are all on the same side... against the world!

Some lawyers feed off this kind of misconception, and encourage their clients to not communicate with the 'other side'.. thus ensuring even more rift, and problems.. and yes, lawyer fees!
Funny how parents seem to be able to resolve things so much faster when the money runs out and parents are forced to talk, negotiate and figure things out. Be careful of lawyers that feed off misinformation that you are at war with the other side and that you should not have any communication with them unless through the lawyer. It's your children's inheritance that suffers in the end when doing this.

In my personal situation, the mother, through her behavior and actions, implied to the children that there was a need to pick sides. A classic sign of an alienating parent, which possibly with education, could have been prevented. What I find even more interesting is that this mother, later when things were better, still continues to feel there is a need to pick sides. She, at the threat of not having them see their grand kids, would force her side of the family to not associate with her ex-husband. What is ironic is she enlisted the help of her live-in boyfriend who is apparently also an alienated parent from his own ex. It always boggles my mind how a target parent cannot see the same behaviors of their ex in their current partner.

Here are some excerpts from this mothers boyfriend to my friend. I put them here as great examples of their line of thinking, and why educating these kinds of parents is so important

"... while you may consider (names removed for privacy)'s family as yours, the REALITY is they are not and ceased to be the day you walked out."

"The fact that despite what you have done, you refer to (X)'s family as your own leads me to believe that you must have many unresolved issues.."

".. It is (X)'s family, and she is the one to ensure your children's involvement in her families life, not you."

Notice the blame (what you did, you walked out, etc) Giving excuses somehow rationalizes this type of behavior to the uneducated/alienating parents. Notice also the last quote, which is likely said to make sure (X)'s threat to her family to make them conform to her wants remains strong. (ie: dont' associate with Y or you will not see your grand kids)

Here is the 'truth' people. It is both parents responsibility to make sure the children have a good relationship with BOTH sides of the family, and that they remain involved with BOTH sides. Especially when they had good involvement and relationships before the separation.

It is also both parents responsibility, as well as both sides of the family, to ensure continuation of existing relationships with all family members. This is not for the parents.. this is for the children! They need to see and hear about their family interacting, and respecting each other.

I read an interesting study a few days ago, written about in Scientific Mind, and presented to the American Psychological Association this past summer. The study compared the effectiveness of 10 kinds of parenting practices that have gotten the thumbs-up in various scientific studies. It stated the top 10 things that children need in order to become happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.

Number one was physical affection from parents.

Number two was stress management and a good relationship between their parents! #2 !!! Above positive parenting, above autonomy and independence, about life skill, behavior management, health, religion and safety!! A good relationship between their parents was the most important after physical affection from parents!!

So here's the message.. it is both parents job to ensure the children have a terrific childhood, and grow up with as much love and support around them as possible. That means, as a parent, you need to do whatever it takes to show your children that you do have a good relationship with the other parent and side of family, even if that means interacting with people you dislike greatly, acting friendly to the 'other man or woman' in your children's lives, giving up making sure you 'right' in every argument, or proving that you are the 'better' parent. What will you do for your children??
There are only a handful of people on this earth that love your children like you do, and that is their immediate family. Why would you deprive them of even one?!

If you really want to think of it as sides and winning.. then think of it like this:

The sides are your children and their family (mom's and dad's side) against 6.7 billion people.
The measurement of winning is making sure the children get a happy, healthy childhood free of picking sides between their mom & dad, and adult issues, so they can be happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.

The contest (life) does not care how hard you have it, how unreasonable the other parent is, or what the other parent 'did' to you. The contest is brutal and unforgiving.. and the faster you figure out both you and the other parent and families are on the same team; your childrens'; the easier you will make it for your children to 'win' in the game of life.

How are you scoring so far?

Give them time

A very common sentence that comes out of alienating parents mouths is 'Give the children time'. Some alienating parents may agree verbally that the children need a relationship with the other parent, but when it comes to actually helping the situation, they are reluctant, and will say things like 'The children are very upset, give them time' or 'If you cared so much about your kids, you'd give them time, they will then come to you when ready'.

Don't be fooled! If you agree to this, the time will not come for a very very very long time, if at all. Children don't need 'time', they need guidance. They need their favored parent, and their family, to show them what is acceptable behavior towards the other parent. If they never get this, they will not be likely to come back to the rejected parent. In fact, time will be the most damaging of all because the more they feel they need to avoid the other parent and pick sides, the more distant they may become towards the rejected parent.

In my situation, the alienating parent and her parents and family led the children by example in a classic parental alienation tactic. The mother would either ignore or insult the father at any encounter. So did her family. The children confused by the separation needed guidance on how to behave and that is what they got. So they dutifully followed it. Then after a few weeks of this, the alienating parent decided that the children needed time to stop being angry at their father, and could not understand why the father would not give it to them if he loved them so much!!

Alienating parents such as this, need extreme intervention and education. The only reason a child that had a loving relationship with their parent before, and suddenly are mad at them, is because they are exposed to negativity, stories from one side, negative body language and behavior on one side, and feel like they need to pick a side. These parents must understand how their behavior effects their children, and stop blaming the other parent for every issue. They also need to learn to teach their children how to deal with anger, which is to deal with it, talk it out with the target of their anger if possible, not let is fester and grow.

Any decent educated classy parent would teach their child that even if they are mad at a person, they need to deal with it, still respect the other person as a human being with feelings, and learn to let it go. Specially if that person is a parent. Teaching children to feed their anger, and keep it steaming forward is the worst thing possible for that child.

In my personal situation, the alienating parents family contributed not only to the children's negative behavior and anger, but encouraged and continued to feed their daughters anger.. and still do. They do this by not helping her heal, by encouraging her behavior by not standing up to it, even if it means she may be upset with them for a while. They simply do nothing.

Everyone going through divorce and separation is angry and upset. I was lucky enough to have parents that love me and guided me out of my anger even if it meant I was upset with them for not taking my side. If you don't teach your children love, acceptance, and how to deal with situations no matter how painful, what kind of parent are you? Time will not help! Parent education classes might.

Crappy things happen in life to all of us. It's imperative to show and teach our children the positive way to deal with issues. Time by itself will not do this.. guidance and education will.

Call me a dog

One of the most common and wide spread signs of parental alienation is denigrating or badmouthing a parent. Some parents do this naively, specially when going through something as emotional as separation and divorce. However, naive parents are receptive to being educated and quickly change their behavior once they realize the harm they are doing to their own children by such behavior.

Non-naive parental alienators will badmouth and denigrate the other parent every opportunit they get, no matter what the cost to their own children. They will also rarely have anything nice to say about the other parent.

For example, a parent may say 'your dad is a deadbeat' or 'your dad is an a**' or 'your mom is a sl**' or 'your mom doesn't want/love you', etc.

There is never a good reason to denigrate a parent in front of or to the child. The child inherently knows they are half their other parent, and will internalize any negative things said about the parent onto themselves.

I have heard people say things like 'But my child needs to know the truth' or 'But the other parent really is an a**, dangerous, or whatever'. All this may be so, but there is still no reason to tell the child. The only reason to tell a child the 'truth' is to make yourself look better. If the other parent is in fact dangerous, then protect your child, there are means for doing so. Don't denigrate or demonize the other parent to your child.

I love that movie 'Life is Beautiful' where the father does everything in his power to make sure his son has no idea he is in a nazi concentration camp or that the German's are the enemy. Why? Because he loves his son. He loves his son more than he hates his situation or the people. There is no need to tell him how awful the nazi's are or how horrible their situation is, in fact he shows zero hatred or anger in front of his child to people that hate them, and he does everything in his power to make the situation fun for his son. He knows his son will find out for himself what it was all about when he is older. He does everything in his power to protect his son from negativity. It's a beautiful movie about the absolute love of a parent for their child. We should all strive to model this and give our children the best and happiest childhood ever.. no matter what our circumstances!

Children deserve a happy and free childhood, free from negativity and the 'truth'. They also only get one childhood. Don't ruin it for them with your 'truth', and your need for making yourself look better. It affects them for life!

False Allegations

Unfortunately one of the alienating tactics of abusive parents is false allegations of abuse. In my situation, it was mild.. but it could have escalated easily. She had her lawyer put a letter to the father accusing him of 'inappropriate behavior'

What was described as 'inappropriate behavior' was in reality instances when the daughter crawled into bed with him some nights when she was scared. She was 7 or 8!!

There is something repulsive and vile about any human being that uses false allegations as a tactic to hurt another person. There's something even more vile and repulsive about a lawyer who knows there is nothing wrong with a 7 year old sleeping with her father, and still goes ahead and puts it in writing in order for her client to”win'. One such lawyer would be Sharon Shore of Epstein Cole in Toronto. One can only hope that the evil karma she brews in her vile attempt at making a living will one day come back to haunt her personally. Such people are a disgrace to not only women, but to the human race!

False allegations of abuse, are abuse.What is ironic in my situation is that Ms Sharon Shore is associated with the Jewish Family and Child Services centre in Toronto. They are both a child protection and advocate against the abuse of women. I find this ironic because in effect what she has done is harm abused women even more.. by perpetuating false allegations, wasting court time, police time and other social services time on these false allegations, real women who are truly abused have to wait for help.. have to suffer while people don't take them seriously because social services and police see so many false allegations.

Some people believe that imposing a penalty on women (and men), who come forward with false allegations of abuse will somehow deter real abuse victims from coming forward to seek help and justice. I find this an idiotic argument! If you are really abused, there is nothing to worry about, justice will be served. What is happening now as a result of not having any penalty for false allegations is people using the system to their advantage with no discouragement whatsoever. In fact, they are encouraged because they can do it over and over again, with no penalty, jail time or anything else while the accused party suffers emotional and financial damage! Frankly they should have penalties not only for the person doing it, but for lawyers who assist their clients with obvious false allegations as well!

As an aside, the system is so messed up, I have seen an 11 year old threaten a male friend saying she would tell her parents he touched her privates if he didn't comply with her demand to change the radio station to the channel she wanted. I have also seen my own son come home crying from grade one because some girls cornered him and told him they could beat him up, that not only he couldn't touch them, but if he even looked at them badly the police would take him to jail!

What kind of society are we building for our children! Wake up people, these are your sons and grandsons that will have to live with this in the future,and what if your daughter or grand-daughter was actually in danger? Would you not want them getting help right away? If you see false allegations, don't shrug it off.. say something. Women did not fight centuries to have rights, security and protection equal to men just to have ignorant money / power hungry women use it to their advantage! Shame on anyone that does this or helps someone do this!

Note: this blog is about FALSE allegation of abuse. If it's TRUE allegations, then that is a completely different story and has nothing to do with Parental Alienation Signs.

I can't help it

Here's a totally classic sign of an alienating parent. One that says 'I can't help how the children behave' or 'I can't make them see you if they don't want to'. I say, if you can't help how your children behave or make them do something that is in their best interest, then maybe you need parenting classes in a serious way!

These parents usually have no problem 'making' their children do their homework, clean up their room, go to the dentist, go to school or any myriad of other things the child does not want to do. However, when it comes to respecting the other parent or going on parenting time with them, the alienating parent suddenly has no parenting skills in making the child do what is best for them.. have a relationship with the other parent.

Usually, how these abusive parents work, is to show via body language, and maybe some verbal as well, how happy they are if the child does not talk to or see the other parent, and how upset they are if the child insists anyway and goes to see the other parent. Most of these parents use denial of love as a way to control the child into doing what they want.. no matter what the emotional cost to the child.

Basically, they control the child much like cult leaders control their followers... by verbal and non-verbal cues of encouragement and discouragement..mainly through denial of love and acceptance.

Us vs Me

A good sign of someone who is emeshed in their thinking with the children is a parent who constantly uses 'us'.. instead of me/I. For example, the alienating or potential alienator will say things like 'You left us', 'Your father left our family', etc. What they don't understand is that in 99.9% of cases, the parent leaving, is not leaving the children, they are leaving the other parent. Therefore, it's not 'You left us', they should be saying 'You left me'..

By lumping the children in with the situation, they are emeshed in their thinking.. they cannot differentiate between their own feelings and their own children. This is typical narcissitic personally disorder, is very easy to notice and a classic sign of an alienating parent or one that has potential of becoming one if not quickly corrected.

I strongly suggest to anyone who hears this kind of 'us' talk to quickly put a stop to it by correcting it EVERY SINGLE TIME it's said. Don't just leave it alone and think of it as an annoying thing the other parent is doing to push your buttons. It's very very important to make sure that parents gets it.. and the only way they can get it is if they are corrected every single time.

It does not have to be in a forceful way.. it can be something as simple as saying calmly .. "I did not leave my family, I left you. " or "I did not leave my children, I left you", etc. Sounds silly.. but I feel it's important and it makes an impact over time. Correct it everytime and eventually they will stop saying it and hopefully thinking it!

Also be sure to correct any family member or friend (ex?) that says any such thing as 'You left your family'. Most people don't leave their family, they leave their spouse or partner. If that's the case for you, be sure to correct it every time, said by anyone.

Call the Police

A classic example of parental alienation is to call the police at every possible opportunity. In my personal experience, I've seen the police called because the parent was there to pick up the children for parenting time, because the parent showed up at a park event to see his children, and when the parent was 15 minutes late returning the child home (and he called to let her know too!)

I've seen this parent call the police because we were 15 minutes late getting home after one parenting time. She claimed to the police that she felt her child had been abducted. The ironic thing is after embarrassing her child who had to walk past the police into her home, and annoying her father because he had to explain to the police that his ex as mentally disturbed and the police laughing and shrugging it off.. she, the ex, right in front of the police.. asks the father what time he is coming to pick up his daughter for parenting time the next day!! So wait a minute.. one second you are paranoid of abduction and then you ask the potential abductor what time they are going to pick up the child the next day??!!

An obvious use of the police as scare tactic and bullying the other parent, and possibly instilling in the child that the other parent is dangerous/not to be trusted. What these abusive parents fail to see is the harm they are doing to their own children with these behaviors; the extreme guilt the child feels for having to put up with or go along with this idiotic waste of police services time against their own parent.

What the abusive parent also fails to see, and what the general public should be very upset about.. is the waste of all tax payers money on crap like this. What women should specially be upset about.. and what I personally am livid about.. is assholes like this woman are actually helping perpetuate abuse against women. How.. because of every 10 of these useless waste of time calls, there is 1 or 2 women who actually need help from danger.. real danger... or a child that is actually abducted or missing..... and the police don't take it seriously as fast as they should because they have been 'numbed' by people like my friends ex. Personally I think the police should charge abuse of services with a fee and/or penalty.