Two weeks ago was my friend's youngest daughters Confirmation. I'm not sure what that is, but apparently it's an important event in a child's life of a certain faith. It was an important event in the life of this young girl. My friend found out about it last week, a week after it happened,.. by accident. This is a classic example of alienation still happening even though my friend has a good relationship with his daughter and see's her often. Parental Alienation is not about parents not seeing their children, it's about a form of emotional and mental abuse of that child, even if you are seeing them. I hope this example makes it clear.
Now, I would suggest you confront the other parent and their family, in a very polite manner, every time something like this happens, because if you just say nothing, you have given them permission to do it again.
I'm sure any kind of confrontation would be met with 'X did not want you there, or she felt uncomfortable with you there so I did what was best for the child, or if she wanted you there, she would have told you about it'. A remark like this can be answered with something like.. "As a parent, you should have communicated the event to me yourself, not put the child in the middle. Also as a parent, you should have insisted on both sides of the family being there, we need to teach our children respect of family. I suggest you take some parenting classes in order to be more aware of what children need, may I suggest XYZ class on X night, and I'm happy to do them with you as well!" Note none of it is said in anger. It's a fact, if you can't control your children or you can't understand that you need to communicate with the other parent, then parenting classes may be of great benefit.
The point is not to get angry or point fingers, the point is to speak up in a polite, non-anger fueled manner, suggest a solution, and even though it will most likely be ignored, you have said something, done your part, and not ignored it. Alienators thrive on people saying nothing. Someone once said all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing. So say something.. I stress again.. politely and as nicely as possible.. but still say something. Do not just ignore it, it will get worst, not better.
Showing posts with label child abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label child abuse. Show all posts
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Parental Alienation Awareness Day & Forgiveness
On this day, the day after the 6th Annual Parental Alienation Awareness Day, I wanted to share with you a true story. The below is an excerpt from an email from a alienator.. a lady who alienated her ex husband from her kids for 16+ years, and then later apologized to her ex and children. (All names removed for privacy)
"I wanted to share something with you as I listened and then read what was being said (on the radio show), I noticed that they were completely absorbed in talking about how awful alienators are and how they do it on purpose and so forth. I thot to myself, how in the heck is that helping anything???
Then I thought about what has helped me and it came to me. (My ex husband), first of all, and others such as you and Sarvy have played a big role in this...an alienator needs an environment where repentance is accepted and welcomed and forgiveness is available...and then accountability for their future behavior towards their kids, especially.
One of the reasons why talking about alienators and how bad they are is that the alienators are doing the same thing about the targeted parent. What if all those people's kids heard them talking about their mom/dad that way?
The goal is to have change, for the alienators to see their behavior is damaging, to repent (turn from it) and have forgiveness extended and then accountability. If (my ex husband) hadn't have forgiven me, I would not have had much motivation to keep changing!
It is extremely easy to alienate. It can be as simple as being silent when your child talks about their other parent or as awful as threatening to never speak to the child again if they have to do with their other parent. It also escalates very quickly.
I'm also beginning to see more and more (especially for myself) that jealousy is my BIG problem. I really struggle with that. I had so much taken away from me by my parents and want to hang on to what I have left and steal back what they stole...namely our kids loyalty, love, and affection...their souls. So I plan to study jealousy from the Bible and see how the Bible says I should handle it.
The thing is also that children who are alienated will most likely turn on their alienators someday and may also alienate the grandchildren from their alienator because they have learned that it is accepted behavior. I know that from my own experience and from what (my daughter) has said to me.
....
An additional note that I thot of, Sarvy, is surprisingly enough, I first realized that my behavior was wrong towards (my ex) and then, after reading about PA on your site and others, I realized that I had wronged our kids also. When I apologized to (my ex), I really didn't expect him to accept my apology, I just knew that it was the right thing to do. The rest of the story...you already know.
Thank you, Sarvy, for your acceptance and care you have manifested towards me. It has been a rocky road for me at times as I am healing and still dealing with alienation...didn't see that coming...the continued alienation from my family. I hope that what I am learning can be used to help others at times.
Hope this might help in some way. Sometimes when I hear people "ranting" about alienators, I want to say "wait a minute!". Because I come from a family of alienators and used to be one, I'd like to "set the record straight". But that won't accomplish much also...we want change, not more attention for them because they love attention...I try to work at what my motivations are when I talk about PA...still getting the "poison" out..."
I wanted to share this with you because this wonderful ladie's email to me gives great insight into Alienators. We all have moments where we just get so angry and frustrated with their tactics and wish horrible things on them. I'm no angel myself when it comes to my BF's ex and her family. But if we don't step back, realize that alienators also need help, and give them space and room to change by forgiving, then we are also part of the problem.
"I wanted to share something with you as I listened and then read what was being said (on the radio show), I noticed that they were completely absorbed in talking about how awful alienators are and how they do it on purpose and so forth. I thot to myself, how in the heck is that helping anything???
Then I thought about what has helped me and it came to me. (My ex husband), first of all, and others such as you and Sarvy have played a big role in this...an alienator needs an environment where repentance is accepted and welcomed and forgiveness is available...and then accountability for their future behavior towards their kids, especially.
One of the reasons why talking about alienators and how bad they are is that the alienators are doing the same thing about the targeted parent. What if all those people's kids heard them talking about their mom/dad that way?
The goal is to have change, for the alienators to see their behavior is damaging, to repent (turn from it) and have forgiveness extended and then accountability. If (my ex husband) hadn't have forgiven me, I would not have had much motivation to keep changing!
It is extremely easy to alienate. It can be as simple as being silent when your child talks about their other parent or as awful as threatening to never speak to the child again if they have to do with their other parent. It also escalates very quickly.
I'm also beginning to see more and more (especially for myself) that jealousy is my BIG problem. I really struggle with that. I had so much taken away from me by my parents and want to hang on to what I have left and steal back what they stole...namely our kids loyalty, love, and affection...their souls. So I plan to study jealousy from the Bible and see how the Bible says I should handle it.
The thing is also that children who are alienated will most likely turn on their alienators someday and may also alienate the grandchildren from their alienator because they have learned that it is accepted behavior. I know that from my own experience and from what (my daughter) has said to me.
....
An additional note that I thot of, Sarvy, is surprisingly enough, I first realized that my behavior was wrong towards (my ex) and then, after reading about PA on your site and others, I realized that I had wronged our kids also. When I apologized to (my ex), I really didn't expect him to accept my apology, I just knew that it was the right thing to do. The rest of the story...you already know.
Thank you, Sarvy, for your acceptance and care you have manifested towards me. It has been a rocky road for me at times as I am healing and still dealing with alienation...didn't see that coming...the continued alienation from my family. I hope that what I am learning can be used to help others at times.
Hope this might help in some way. Sometimes when I hear people "ranting" about alienators, I want to say "wait a minute!". Because I come from a family of alienators and used to be one, I'd like to "set the record straight". But that won't accomplish much also...we want change, not more attention for them because they love attention...I try to work at what my motivations are when I talk about PA...still getting the "poison" out..."
I wanted to share this with you because this wonderful ladie's email to me gives great insight into Alienators. We all have moments where we just get so angry and frustrated with their tactics and wish horrible things on them. I'm no angel myself when it comes to my BF's ex and her family. But if we don't step back, realize that alienators also need help, and give them space and room to change by forgiving, then we are also part of the problem.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Power of Words
With Parental Alienation Awareness Day April 25th fast approaching, I'm going to take a slight tangent off Signs of PA for this post and talk about PA and it's effects on children, awareness and education.
When I started Parental Alienation Awareness Day, it was to educate Roger's ex and her family about the damage they were doing to their own (grand)children. PAAO was borne out of that same premise. In the beginning, I had many arguments and discussions with Roger, and later with other parents. The discussion is about PA and it's effects on children vs it's effects on parents and family.
I'd like to say I fully understand how hard it is as a parent. I have seen Roger go through the pain of not seeing his children for more than 2 years, of the horror of the false accusations his ex threw at him, and the despair and infinite frustration at the courts for not dong anything about it and allowing his children to be abused emotionally and mentally. I am not diminishing this pain at all, and I truly believe there should be resources and materials out there for parents and family to cope with this pain and frustration.
However, it is of utmost importance to remember and understand, that no matter how much you hurt as a parent, the absolute true victims are the children. They are innocent and they are being abused, and will be affected for a lifetime. No offense intended to those in pain, but stop complaining about not seeing your kids or that the kids hate you, and start realizing that it's not about you at all. Your children are in pain if exposed to PA, even if you do see them and even if they do not hate you! It is very important to understand this.
I like to use this scenario. In some countries, children are stolen at a young age, and taught to hate, even their parents, and taught to fight some crazy person's war. How do you think those parents feel? Their children are stolen, they are not seeing them, and even if they managed to find them, they have been brainwashed into hating them. I would bet you a million dollars, that those parents do not talking about not seeing their kids, how hard it is for them (and I"m sure it's excruciating). I bet you their absolute total focus is on getting their children out of the danger they are in, whether or not they are hated in the end, and whether or not they get to see them after. Even if they were allowed to see them, their focus would be to save them from the abuse of the camp.
Can you see the resemblance to PA? Children are 'stolen', parents and grandparents are not seeing them when it becomes moderate to severe, AND in extreme cases, the children are taught to hate their one side of the family. Can you see that it's about the kids! They are being harmed! It's our duty as adults and parents to get them out of that harmful situation, no matter how much pain we are in personally.
I truly 100% believe the above. I am not an alienated parent, but as a person that has seen the kids go through it, as well as the parent, and as a person who has spend 7+ years helping children and parents alike and trying to educate and raise awareness about PA, I can tell you this.. I have minimal sympathy for the parents, and absolute resolution to help, and utmost sympathy for, the kids involved.
So what is the point of all this? What I'm trying to help you understand is to put your own pain aside and concentrate on helping your children. What I"m also trying to point out is that the majority of the world is like me. Especially if they have no exposure to Parental Alienation. People care about children and animals. Just like I care more about getting the children out of the hands of lunatic war lords, than about helping their parents cope with the pain and trauma. I'm not saying I don't care about the parents, I'm saying I care more for the kids.. and so do most people.
So when you are out there raising awareness and education, try to focus on the children. It's their right to see their parents, its their right to have a happy childhood outside of courts, it's their right to know both sides of their family, it's their right to be free of guilt for loving and receiving love from their parents. It's very sad that you may not be seeing them, and people will have some empathy with that, especially if they are exposed to PA, however it's 1000 times more horrific to know that children are not having the right to love both their parents, that they are punished for doing so, emotionally and/or physically, that they are forced to choose, taught to lie, steal and cheat and are missing the support they could use from one half of their family.
They may be two sides of the same coin, but one side is much more effective in raising awareness, helping the kids, and ultimately helping all else involved.
I'd like to end it with this great video that I feel exemplifies what I mean:
It's the same principal as the new Bubbles of Love Campaign. It's about LOVE, it's about what to do to help children, as opposed to what not to do. It's a positive fun message that hopefully the world will embrace. ie: Kids should be free to be loved and show love... love should not be contained.
Happy Parental Alienation Awareness Day everyone. Thank you to all that participate in 20+ countries around the world. Together we CAN make a difference and show the world that love does conquer all :)
For more information, go to www.paawarnessday.com and www.bubblesofloveday.com
When I started Parental Alienation Awareness Day, it was to educate Roger's ex and her family about the damage they were doing to their own (grand)children. PAAO was borne out of that same premise. In the beginning, I had many arguments and discussions with Roger, and later with other parents. The discussion is about PA and it's effects on children vs it's effects on parents and family.
I'd like to say I fully understand how hard it is as a parent. I have seen Roger go through the pain of not seeing his children for more than 2 years, of the horror of the false accusations his ex threw at him, and the despair and infinite frustration at the courts for not dong anything about it and allowing his children to be abused emotionally and mentally. I am not diminishing this pain at all, and I truly believe there should be resources and materials out there for parents and family to cope with this pain and frustration.
However, it is of utmost importance to remember and understand, that no matter how much you hurt as a parent, the absolute true victims are the children. They are innocent and they are being abused, and will be affected for a lifetime. No offense intended to those in pain, but stop complaining about not seeing your kids or that the kids hate you, and start realizing that it's not about you at all. Your children are in pain if exposed to PA, even if you do see them and even if they do not hate you! It is very important to understand this.
I like to use this scenario. In some countries, children are stolen at a young age, and taught to hate, even their parents, and taught to fight some crazy person's war. How do you think those parents feel? Their children are stolen, they are not seeing them, and even if they managed to find them, they have been brainwashed into hating them. I would bet you a million dollars, that those parents do not talking about not seeing their kids, how hard it is for them (and I"m sure it's excruciating). I bet you their absolute total focus is on getting their children out of the danger they are in, whether or not they are hated in the end, and whether or not they get to see them after. Even if they were allowed to see them, their focus would be to save them from the abuse of the camp.
Can you see the resemblance to PA? Children are 'stolen', parents and grandparents are not seeing them when it becomes moderate to severe, AND in extreme cases, the children are taught to hate their one side of the family. Can you see that it's about the kids! They are being harmed! It's our duty as adults and parents to get them out of that harmful situation, no matter how much pain we are in personally.
I truly 100% believe the above. I am not an alienated parent, but as a person that has seen the kids go through it, as well as the parent, and as a person who has spend 7+ years helping children and parents alike and trying to educate and raise awareness about PA, I can tell you this.. I have minimal sympathy for the parents, and absolute resolution to help, and utmost sympathy for, the kids involved.
So what is the point of all this? What I'm trying to help you understand is to put your own pain aside and concentrate on helping your children. What I"m also trying to point out is that the majority of the world is like me. Especially if they have no exposure to Parental Alienation. People care about children and animals. Just like I care more about getting the children out of the hands of lunatic war lords, than about helping their parents cope with the pain and trauma. I'm not saying I don't care about the parents, I'm saying I care more for the kids.. and so do most people.
So when you are out there raising awareness and education, try to focus on the children. It's their right to see their parents, its their right to have a happy childhood outside of courts, it's their right to know both sides of their family, it's their right to be free of guilt for loving and receiving love from their parents. It's very sad that you may not be seeing them, and people will have some empathy with that, especially if they are exposed to PA, however it's 1000 times more horrific to know that children are not having the right to love both their parents, that they are punished for doing so, emotionally and/or physically, that they are forced to choose, taught to lie, steal and cheat and are missing the support they could use from one half of their family.
They may be two sides of the same coin, but one side is much more effective in raising awareness, helping the kids, and ultimately helping all else involved.
I'd like to end it with this great video that I feel exemplifies what I mean:
It's the same principal as the new Bubbles of Love Campaign. It's about LOVE, it's about what to do to help children, as opposed to what not to do. It's a positive fun message that hopefully the world will embrace. ie: Kids should be free to be loved and show love... love should not be contained.
Happy Parental Alienation Awareness Day everyone. Thank you to all that participate in 20+ countries around the world. Together we CAN make a difference and show the world that love does conquer all :)
For more information, go to www.paawarnessday.com and www.bubblesofloveday.com
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Making a Mountain out of Shrubbery
This is an interesting tactic of alienators. I used the title Mountain out of Shrubbery, 1st because I love Monty Python and second, because the mountain has barely a relationship with shrubbery (unlike a molehill), but it's still relevant as there is shrubbery on mountains.
What does all this mean? What I'm trying to say is that alienators have a knack of taking an inane everyday occurrence and turning it around into a major act of bad parenting. I'll give you some examples from the alienator in my situation.
My friend took his children to Playdium. For those of you not familiar with Playdium, it's an arcade center where kids play games and win tickets, then at the end, they can take those tickets and trade them in for prizes. The more tickets, the better the prize. I believe Sylvan learning centers also work like this concept, the better you do at homework, the more stars or tickets you get and then you can trade them in for prizes.
Well, my friend took his children to Playdium on one of this parenting weekends. They were around 8 and 12 or so. Next thing he knows he's hit with a motion from the kids mother, the alienator, that he is a horrible parent and has taken the children to a 'gambling establishment'!
Again, many things are wrong with this scenario besides the obvious. One is that the same shameful human being Sharon Shore of Epstein Cole in Toronto, actually puts such crap into legal documetion just to harass my friend, waste court time and obviously make more money for her! Secondly, the children wanted to go to Playdium because the weekend before one of them was at a friends birthday party held at Playdium (which I guess the mother had no issue about as they were not with their father), and thirdly, this is coming from a woman who took her children to Las Vegas hotels and gambling establishments herself!
Again, if two innocent children and thousand of dollars wasted on bullshit like this were not involved, this is so ridiculous, it's hilarious. I bet Monty Python would have a hay day with it even!
There are many examples of things like this. Again from my situation... 7 year old daughter going into dads bed at night becomes 'inappropriate behavior' on the part of the father, taking the daughter to a park and talking to kids at the park becomes 'dangerous irresponsible' behavior on the part of the father, father being late for drop off by 10 minutes becomes 'abduction', father taking the kids out for ice cream becomes 'feeds them nothing but junk food'.. and so on. I think you get my drift.
Alienators will pick at minute, mundane events and turn them into giant mountains of concern that they need to 'protect' the children from. They seem to have no concept of reasonable behavior, and interestingly enough cannot see any of their own parenting or human flaws. They are obsessed and focused on finding every little thing they can to exaggerate how 'bad' a parent the other person is, and how 'good' a parent they are. What is sad about all this and why education and awareness is so important, is that some lawyers encourage this type of behavior (such as Sharon Shore of Epstein Cole) by putting it into legal documentation!
Maybe you have some examples of this kind of behavior.. ridiculous things that everyday people have no issue with but the alianator has turned into a 'mountain'. Share it with me and others on this blog.
What does all this mean? What I'm trying to say is that alienators have a knack of taking an inane everyday occurrence and turning it around into a major act of bad parenting. I'll give you some examples from the alienator in my situation.
My friend took his children to Playdium. For those of you not familiar with Playdium, it's an arcade center where kids play games and win tickets, then at the end, they can take those tickets and trade them in for prizes. The more tickets, the better the prize. I believe Sylvan learning centers also work like this concept, the better you do at homework, the more stars or tickets you get and then you can trade them in for prizes.
Well, my friend took his children to Playdium on one of this parenting weekends. They were around 8 and 12 or so. Next thing he knows he's hit with a motion from the kids mother, the alienator, that he is a horrible parent and has taken the children to a 'gambling establishment'!
Again, many things are wrong with this scenario besides the obvious. One is that the same shameful human being Sharon Shore of Epstein Cole in Toronto, actually puts such crap into legal documetion just to harass my friend, waste court time and obviously make more money for her! Secondly, the children wanted to go to Playdium because the weekend before one of them was at a friends birthday party held at Playdium (which I guess the mother had no issue about as they were not with their father), and thirdly, this is coming from a woman who took her children to Las Vegas hotels and gambling establishments herself!
Again, if two innocent children and thousand of dollars wasted on bullshit like this were not involved, this is so ridiculous, it's hilarious. I bet Monty Python would have a hay day with it even!
There are many examples of things like this. Again from my situation... 7 year old daughter going into dads bed at night becomes 'inappropriate behavior' on the part of the father, taking the daughter to a park and talking to kids at the park becomes 'dangerous irresponsible' behavior on the part of the father, father being late for drop off by 10 minutes becomes 'abduction', father taking the kids out for ice cream becomes 'feeds them nothing but junk food'.. and so on. I think you get my drift.
Alienators will pick at minute, mundane events and turn them into giant mountains of concern that they need to 'protect' the children from. They seem to have no concept of reasonable behavior, and interestingly enough cannot see any of their own parenting or human flaws. They are obsessed and focused on finding every little thing they can to exaggerate how 'bad' a parent the other person is, and how 'good' a parent they are. What is sad about all this and why education and awareness is so important, is that some lawyers encourage this type of behavior (such as Sharon Shore of Epstein Cole) by putting it into legal documentation!
Maybe you have some examples of this kind of behavior.. ridiculous things that everyday people have no issue with but the alianator has turned into a 'mountain'. Share it with me and others on this blog.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Blame it on the children
We just got this email last night from the abuser in my situation. I wanted to share it with you all because it's an excellent example of how alienators manipulate everything to make it seem like their abuse is really for the sake of the children. BTW, this occured after 7 years of not following her own agreement, but now that child support (ie: money) is in question, she is using it as a form of control over my friend. This is also a very common form of alienation as alienators need to have control, that is what it's all about!
So let's look at her email:
"In observance of our agreement I would like to reiterate your access.
Wednesday evening and every second Saturday.
...
Please observe the schedule and refrain from involving/ pressuring the girls
into agreeing to break the set schedule. When you do so they feel
unnecessary guilt which creates unwarranted conflicts. "
The sentence to note is in bold and underlined.
What she is really saying is that even if the girls want to see you or want you to pick them up from school/work, you need to decline because they know the schedule now, and I will make them feel damn guilty about it for seeing you outside of it!
I co-parent with my ex, and the children come and go as they wish even if it's against our 'set schedule', they never ever feel any 'unnecessary guilt' or have 'unwarranted conflicts'. This is because my ex and I love them more than to use them in our petty conflicts, and put their happiness first.
It is disturbing and disgusting to hide self-centered behavior behind the pretense of 'what is best for the children'. What is best for children is for them to feel free to love and see both their parents as they wish without manipulation. My friends children are not retarded or stupid. They are just as smart and able as other children and capable of adjusting to things as long as both their parents encourage them to. It's when one side, like this alienator, manipulates them that 'unwarranted conflicts' arise!
This is very sad for all involved, especially the children. However, it is also a great example of how alienators twist things to make it look like they are watching out for their children, not themselves.
Notice how before it was 'I can't help it, the children don't want to see you and making them would cause pain/suffering/guilt', and now it's 'be a good father and stop making the children want to see you as it's causing them pain/suffering/guilt'. In either case she is hiding her self-interest behind the rouse that it's for the children's sake and trying to make him look like a 'bad parent' for wanting what is really best for his children.
So let's look at her email:
"In observance of our agreement I would like to reiterate your access.
Wednesday evening and every second Saturday.
...
Please observe the schedule and refrain from involving/ pressuring the girls
into agreeing to break the set schedule. When you do so they feel
unnecessary guilt which creates unwarranted conflicts. "
The sentence to note is in bold and underlined.
What she is really saying is that even if the girls want to see you or want you to pick them up from school/work, you need to decline because they know the schedule now, and I will make them feel damn guilty about it for seeing you outside of it!
I co-parent with my ex, and the children come and go as they wish even if it's against our 'set schedule', they never ever feel any 'unnecessary guilt' or have 'unwarranted conflicts'. This is because my ex and I love them more than to use them in our petty conflicts, and put their happiness first.
It is disturbing and disgusting to hide self-centered behavior behind the pretense of 'what is best for the children'. What is best for children is for them to feel free to love and see both their parents as they wish without manipulation. My friends children are not retarded or stupid. They are just as smart and able as other children and capable of adjusting to things as long as both their parents encourage them to. It's when one side, like this alienator, manipulates them that 'unwarranted conflicts' arise!
This is very sad for all involved, especially the children. However, it is also a great example of how alienators twist things to make it look like they are watching out for their children, not themselves.
Notice how before it was 'I can't help it, the children don't want to see you and making them would cause pain/suffering/guilt', and now it's 'be a good father and stop making the children want to see you as it's causing them pain/suffering/guilt'. In either case she is hiding her self-interest behind the rouse that it's for the children's sake and trying to make him look like a 'bad parent' for wanting what is really best for his children.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
School Play
A very common sign of a parental alienator is a person who refuses to share when school plays, recitals, sports games, parent teacher nights and any other event special to the child is happening to the other parent. These parents may even go so far as to request that the school or sports team take part in the alienation and not inform the other parent of any functions or important events.
In this way, the alienating parent can re-enforce their message to the child(ren) that the other parent does not care about them, therefore is not showing up to their special functions.
In my situation, the alienator did try to stop the childrens school from informing the father of functions and such, however, the school abided by the law and once approached with documentation by the father, did report functions and events to a small extent.
The alienator in my situation also refrained from telling the father about any school activities, functions and so on. Causing the children to feel that their father did not care about them, and re-enforcing her message that their father had abandoned them.
What these alienators don't realize with their self-centered ego-centric tactics is that they are harming and depriving their own children of happy childhood memories. Very sad for all involved!
In this way, the alienating parent can re-enforce their message to the child(ren) that the other parent does not care about them, therefore is not showing up to their special functions.
In my situation, the alienator did try to stop the childrens school from informing the father of functions and such, however, the school abided by the law and once approached with documentation by the father, did report functions and events to a small extent.
The alienator in my situation also refrained from telling the father about any school activities, functions and so on. Causing the children to feel that their father did not care about them, and re-enforcing her message that their father had abandoned them.
What these alienators don't realize with their self-centered ego-centric tactics is that they are harming and depriving their own children of happy childhood memories. Very sad for all involved!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Whose side are you on?
Some misinformed parents feel that when you go through a divorce, that means that everyone needs to pick sides, including the children. This is why education is so important. Parents, family and friends need to understand there are no sides when it comes to the children. You are all on the same side... against the world!
Some lawyers feed off this kind of misconception, and encourage their clients to not communicate with the 'other side'.. thus ensuring even more rift, and problems.. and yes, lawyer fees!
Funny how parents seem to be able to resolve things so much faster when the money runs out and parents are forced to talk, negotiate and figure things out. Be careful of lawyers that feed off misinformation that you are at war with the other side and that you should not have any communication with them unless through the lawyer. It's your children's inheritance that suffers in the end when doing this.
In my personal situation, the mother, through her behavior and actions, implied to the children that there was a need to pick sides. A classic sign of an alienating parent, which possibly with education, could have been prevented. What I find even more interesting is that this mother, later when things were better, still continues to feel there is a need to pick sides. She, at the threat of not having them see their grand kids, would force her side of the family to not associate with her ex-husband. What is ironic is she enlisted the help of her live-in boyfriend who is apparently also an alienated parent from his own ex. It always boggles my mind how a target parent cannot see the same behaviors of their ex in their current partner.
Here are some excerpts from this mothers boyfriend to my friend. I put them here as great examples of their line of thinking, and why educating these kinds of parents is so important
"... while you may consider (names removed for privacy)'s family as yours, the REALITY is they are not and ceased to be the day you walked out."
"The fact that despite what you have done, you refer to (X)'s family as your own leads me to believe that you must have many unresolved issues.."
".. It is (X)'s family, and she is the one to ensure your children's involvement in her families life, not you."
Notice the blame (what you did, you walked out, etc) Giving excuses somehow rationalizes this type of behavior to the uneducated/alienating parents. Notice also the last quote, which is likely said to make sure (X)'s threat to her family to make them conform to her wants remains strong. (ie: dont' associate with Y or you will not see your grand kids)
Here is the 'truth' people. It is both parents responsibility to make sure the children have a good relationship with BOTH sides of the family, and that they remain involved with BOTH sides. Especially when they had good involvement and relationships before the separation.
It is also both parents responsibility, as well as both sides of the family, to ensure continuation of existing relationships with all family members. This is not for the parents.. this is for the children! They need to see and hear about their family interacting, and respecting each other.
I read an interesting study a few days ago, written about in Scientific Mind, and presented to the American Psychological Association this past summer. The study compared the effectiveness of 10 kinds of parenting practices that have gotten the thumbs-up in various scientific studies. It stated the top 10 things that children need in order to become happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.
Number one was physical affection from parents.
Number two was stress management and a good relationship between their parents! #2 !!! Above positive parenting, above autonomy and independence, about life skill, behavior management, health, religion and safety!! A good relationship between their parents was the most important after physical affection from parents!!
So here's the message.. it is both parents job to ensure the children have a terrific childhood, and grow up with as much love and support around them as possible. That means, as a parent, you need to do whatever it takes to show your children that you do have a good relationship with the other parent and side of family, even if that means interacting with people you dislike greatly, acting friendly to the 'other man or woman' in your children's lives, giving up making sure you 'right' in every argument, or proving that you are the 'better' parent. What will you do for your children??
There are only a handful of people on this earth that love your children like you do, and that is their immediate family. Why would you deprive them of even one?!
If you really want to think of it as sides and winning.. then think of it like this:
The sides are your children and their family (mom's and dad's side) against 6.7 billion people.
The measurement of winning is making sure the children get a happy, healthy childhood free of picking sides between their mom & dad, and adult issues, so they can be happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.
The contest (life) does not care how hard you have it, how unreasonable the other parent is, or what the other parent 'did' to you. The contest is brutal and unforgiving.. and the faster you figure out both you and the other parent and families are on the same team; your childrens'; the easier you will make it for your children to 'win' in the game of life.
How are you scoring so far?
Some lawyers feed off this kind of misconception, and encourage their clients to not communicate with the 'other side'.. thus ensuring even more rift, and problems.. and yes, lawyer fees!
Funny how parents seem to be able to resolve things so much faster when the money runs out and parents are forced to talk, negotiate and figure things out. Be careful of lawyers that feed off misinformation that you are at war with the other side and that you should not have any communication with them unless through the lawyer. It's your children's inheritance that suffers in the end when doing this.
In my personal situation, the mother, through her behavior and actions, implied to the children that there was a need to pick sides. A classic sign of an alienating parent, which possibly with education, could have been prevented. What I find even more interesting is that this mother, later when things were better, still continues to feel there is a need to pick sides. She, at the threat of not having them see their grand kids, would force her side of the family to not associate with her ex-husband. What is ironic is she enlisted the help of her live-in boyfriend who is apparently also an alienated parent from his own ex. It always boggles my mind how a target parent cannot see the same behaviors of their ex in their current partner.
Here are some excerpts from this mothers boyfriend to my friend. I put them here as great examples of their line of thinking, and why educating these kinds of parents is so important
"... while you may consider (names removed for privacy)'s family as yours, the REALITY is they are not and ceased to be the day you walked out."
"The fact that despite what you have done, you refer to (X)'s family as your own leads me to believe that you must have many unresolved issues.."
".. It is (X)'s family, and she is the one to ensure your children's involvement in her families life, not you."
Notice the blame (what you did, you walked out, etc) Giving excuses somehow rationalizes this type of behavior to the uneducated/alienating parents. Notice also the last quote, which is likely said to make sure (X)'s threat to her family to make them conform to her wants remains strong. (ie: dont' associate with Y or you will not see your grand kids)
Here is the 'truth' people. It is both parents responsibility to make sure the children have a good relationship with BOTH sides of the family, and that they remain involved with BOTH sides. Especially when they had good involvement and relationships before the separation.
It is also both parents responsibility, as well as both sides of the family, to ensure continuation of existing relationships with all family members. This is not for the parents.. this is for the children! They need to see and hear about their family interacting, and respecting each other.
I read an interesting study a few days ago, written about in Scientific Mind, and presented to the American Psychological Association this past summer. The study compared the effectiveness of 10 kinds of parenting practices that have gotten the thumbs-up in various scientific studies. It stated the top 10 things that children need in order to become happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.
Number one was physical affection from parents.
Number two was stress management and a good relationship between their parents! #2 !!! Above positive parenting, above autonomy and independence, about life skill, behavior management, health, religion and safety!! A good relationship between their parents was the most important after physical affection from parents!!
So here's the message.. it is both parents job to ensure the children have a terrific childhood, and grow up with as much love and support around them as possible. That means, as a parent, you need to do whatever it takes to show your children that you do have a good relationship with the other parent and side of family, even if that means interacting with people you dislike greatly, acting friendly to the 'other man or woman' in your children's lives, giving up making sure you 'right' in every argument, or proving that you are the 'better' parent. What will you do for your children??
There are only a handful of people on this earth that love your children like you do, and that is their immediate family. Why would you deprive them of even one?!
If you really want to think of it as sides and winning.. then think of it like this:
The sides are your children and their family (mom's and dad's side) against 6.7 billion people.
The measurement of winning is making sure the children get a happy, healthy childhood free of picking sides between their mom & dad, and adult issues, so they can be happy, healthy adults capable of their full potential.
The contest (life) does not care how hard you have it, how unreasonable the other parent is, or what the other parent 'did' to you. The contest is brutal and unforgiving.. and the faster you figure out both you and the other parent and families are on the same team; your childrens'; the easier you will make it for your children to 'win' in the game of life.
How are you scoring so far?
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Give them time
A very common sentence that comes out of alienating parents mouths is 'Give the children time'. Some alienating parents may agree verbally that the children need a relationship with the other parent, but when it comes to actually helping the situation, they are reluctant, and will say things like 'The children are very upset, give them time' or 'If you cared so much about your kids, you'd give them time, they will then come to you when ready'.
Don't be fooled! If you agree to this, the time will not come for a very very very long time, if at all. Children don't need 'time', they need guidance. They need their favored parent, and their family, to show them what is acceptable behavior towards the other parent. If they never get this, they will not be likely to come back to the rejected parent. In fact, time will be the most damaging of all because the more they feel they need to avoid the other parent and pick sides, the more distant they may become towards the rejected parent.
In my situation, the alienating parent and her parents and family led the children by example in a classic parental alienation tactic. The mother would either ignore or insult the father at any encounter. So did her family. The children confused by the separation needed guidance on how to behave and that is what they got. So they dutifully followed it. Then after a few weeks of this, the alienating parent decided that the children needed time to stop being angry at their father, and could not understand why the father would not give it to them if he loved them so much!!
Alienating parents such as this, need extreme intervention and education. The only reason a child that had a loving relationship with their parent before, and suddenly are mad at them, is because they are exposed to negativity, stories from one side, negative body language and behavior on one side, and feel like they need to pick a side. These parents must understand how their behavior effects their children, and stop blaming the other parent for every issue. They also need to learn to teach their children how to deal with anger, which is to deal with it, talk it out with the target of their anger if possible, not let is fester and grow.
Any decent educated classy parent would teach their child that even if they are mad at a person, they need to deal with it, still respect the other person as a human being with feelings, and learn to let it go. Specially if that person is a parent. Teaching children to feed their anger, and keep it steaming forward is the worst thing possible for that child.
In my personal situation, the alienating parents family contributed not only to the children's negative behavior and anger, but encouraged and continued to feed their daughters anger.. and still do. They do this by not helping her heal, by encouraging her behavior by not standing up to it, even if it means she may be upset with them for a while. They simply do nothing.
Everyone going through divorce and separation is angry and upset. I was lucky enough to have parents that love me and guided me out of my anger even if it meant I was upset with them for not taking my side. If you don't teach your children love, acceptance, and how to deal with situations no matter how painful, what kind of parent are you? Time will not help! Parent education classes might.
Crappy things happen in life to all of us. It's imperative to show and teach our children the positive way to deal with issues. Time by itself will not do this.. guidance and education will.
Don't be fooled! If you agree to this, the time will not come for a very very very long time, if at all. Children don't need 'time', they need guidance. They need their favored parent, and their family, to show them what is acceptable behavior towards the other parent. If they never get this, they will not be likely to come back to the rejected parent. In fact, time will be the most damaging of all because the more they feel they need to avoid the other parent and pick sides, the more distant they may become towards the rejected parent.
In my situation, the alienating parent and her parents and family led the children by example in a classic parental alienation tactic. The mother would either ignore or insult the father at any encounter. So did her family. The children confused by the separation needed guidance on how to behave and that is what they got. So they dutifully followed it. Then after a few weeks of this, the alienating parent decided that the children needed time to stop being angry at their father, and could not understand why the father would not give it to them if he loved them so much!!
Alienating parents such as this, need extreme intervention and education. The only reason a child that had a loving relationship with their parent before, and suddenly are mad at them, is because they are exposed to negativity, stories from one side, negative body language and behavior on one side, and feel like they need to pick a side. These parents must understand how their behavior effects their children, and stop blaming the other parent for every issue. They also need to learn to teach their children how to deal with anger, which is to deal with it, talk it out with the target of their anger if possible, not let is fester and grow.
Any decent educated classy parent would teach their child that even if they are mad at a person, they need to deal with it, still respect the other person as a human being with feelings, and learn to let it go. Specially if that person is a parent. Teaching children to feed their anger, and keep it steaming forward is the worst thing possible for that child.
In my personal situation, the alienating parents family contributed not only to the children's negative behavior and anger, but encouraged and continued to feed their daughters anger.. and still do. They do this by not helping her heal, by encouraging her behavior by not standing up to it, even if it means she may be upset with them for a while. They simply do nothing.
Everyone going through divorce and separation is angry and upset. I was lucky enough to have parents that love me and guided me out of my anger even if it meant I was upset with them for not taking my side. If you don't teach your children love, acceptance, and how to deal with situations no matter how painful, what kind of parent are you? Time will not help! Parent education classes might.
Crappy things happen in life to all of us. It's imperative to show and teach our children the positive way to deal with issues. Time by itself will not do this.. guidance and education will.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Call me a dog
One of the most common and wide spread signs of parental alienation is denigrating or badmouthing a parent. Some parents do this naively, specially when going through something as emotional as separation and divorce. However, naive parents are receptive to being educated and quickly change their behavior once they realize the harm they are doing to their own children by such behavior.
Non-naive parental alienators will badmouth and denigrate the other parent every opportunit they get, no matter what the cost to their own children. They will also rarely have anything nice to say about the other parent.
For example, a parent may say 'your dad is a deadbeat' or 'your dad is an a**' or 'your mom is a sl**' or 'your mom doesn't want/love you', etc.
There is never a good reason to denigrate a parent in front of or to the child. The child inherently knows they are half their other parent, and will internalize any negative things said about the parent onto themselves.
I have heard people say things like 'But my child needs to know the truth' or 'But the other parent really is an a**, dangerous, or whatever'. All this may be so, but there is still no reason to tell the child. The only reason to tell a child the 'truth' is to make yourself look better. If the other parent is in fact dangerous, then protect your child, there are means for doing so. Don't denigrate or demonize the other parent to your child.
I love that movie 'Life is Beautiful' where the father does everything in his power to make sure his son has no idea he is in a nazi concentration camp or that the German's are the enemy. Why? Because he loves his son. He loves his son more than he hates his situation or the people. There is no need to tell him how awful the nazi's are or how horrible their situation is, in fact he shows zero hatred or anger in front of his child to people that hate them, and he does everything in his power to make the situation fun for his son. He knows his son will find out for himself what it was all about when he is older. He does everything in his power to protect his son from negativity. It's a beautiful movie about the absolute love of a parent for their child. We should all strive to model this and give our children the best and happiest childhood ever.. no matter what our circumstances!
Children deserve a happy and free childhood, free from negativity and the 'truth'. They also only get one childhood. Don't ruin it for them with your 'truth', and your need for making yourself look better. It affects them for life!
Non-naive parental alienators will badmouth and denigrate the other parent every opportunit they get, no matter what the cost to their own children. They will also rarely have anything nice to say about the other parent.
For example, a parent may say 'your dad is a deadbeat' or 'your dad is an a**' or 'your mom is a sl**' or 'your mom doesn't want/love you', etc.
There is never a good reason to denigrate a parent in front of or to the child. The child inherently knows they are half their other parent, and will internalize any negative things said about the parent onto themselves.
I have heard people say things like 'But my child needs to know the truth' or 'But the other parent really is an a**, dangerous, or whatever'. All this may be so, but there is still no reason to tell the child. The only reason to tell a child the 'truth' is to make yourself look better. If the other parent is in fact dangerous, then protect your child, there are means for doing so. Don't denigrate or demonize the other parent to your child.
I love that movie 'Life is Beautiful' where the father does everything in his power to make sure his son has no idea he is in a nazi concentration camp or that the German's are the enemy. Why? Because he loves his son. He loves his son more than he hates his situation or the people. There is no need to tell him how awful the nazi's are or how horrible their situation is, in fact he shows zero hatred or anger in front of his child to people that hate them, and he does everything in his power to make the situation fun for his son. He knows his son will find out for himself what it was all about when he is older. He does everything in his power to protect his son from negativity. It's a beautiful movie about the absolute love of a parent for their child. We should all strive to model this and give our children the best and happiest childhood ever.. no matter what our circumstances!
Children deserve a happy and free childhood, free from negativity and the 'truth'. They also only get one childhood. Don't ruin it for them with your 'truth', and your need for making yourself look better. It affects them for life!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
False Allegations
Unfortunately one of the alienating tactics of abusive parents is false allegations of abuse. In my situation, it was mild.. but it could have escalated easily. She had her lawyer put a letter to the father accusing him of 'inappropriate behavior'
What was described as 'inappropriate behavior' was in reality instances when the daughter crawled into bed with him some nights when she was scared. She was 7 or 8!!
There is something repulsive and vile about any human being that uses false allegations as a tactic to hurt another person. There's something even more vile and repulsive about a lawyer who knows there is nothing wrong with a 7 year old sleeping with her father, and still goes ahead and puts it in writing in order for her client to”win'. One such lawyer would be Sharon Shore of Epstein Cole in Toronto. One can only hope that the evil karma she brews in her vile attempt at making a living will one day come back to haunt her personally. Such people are a disgrace to not only women, but to the human race!
False allegations of abuse, are abuse.What is ironic in my situation is that Ms Sharon Shore is associated with the Jewish Family and Child Services centre in Toronto. They are both a child protection and advocate against the abuse of women. I find this ironic because in effect what she has done is harm abused women even more.. by perpetuating false allegations, wasting court time, police time and other social services time on these false allegations, real women who are truly abused have to wait for help.. have to suffer while people don't take them seriously because social services and police see so many false allegations.
Some people believe that imposing a penalty on women (and men), who come forward with false allegations of abuse will somehow deter real abuse victims from coming forward to seek help and justice. I find this an idiotic argument! If you are really abused, there is nothing to worry about, justice will be served. What is happening now as a result of not having any penalty for false allegations is people using the system to their advantage with no discouragement whatsoever. In fact, they are encouraged because they can do it over and over again, with no penalty, jail time or anything else while the accused party suffers emotional and financial damage! Frankly they should have penalties not only for the person doing it, but for lawyers who assist their clients with obvious false allegations as well!
As an aside, the system is so messed up, I have seen an 11 year old threaten a male friend saying she would tell her parents he touched her privates if he didn't comply with her demand to change the radio station to the channel she wanted. I have also seen my own son come home crying from grade one because some girls cornered him and told him they could beat him up, that not only he couldn't touch them, but if he even looked at them badly the police would take him to jail!
What kind of society are we building for our children! Wake up people, these are your sons and grandsons that will have to live with this in the future,and what if your daughter or grand-daughter was actually in danger? Would you not want them getting help right away? If you see false allegations, don't shrug it off.. say something. Women did not fight centuries to have rights, security and protection equal to men just to have ignorant money / power hungry women use it to their advantage! Shame on anyone that does this or helps someone do this!
Note: this blog is about FALSE allegation of abuse. If it's TRUE allegations, then that is a completely different story and has nothing to do with Parental Alienation Signs.
What was described as 'inappropriate behavior' was in reality instances when the daughter crawled into bed with him some nights when she was scared. She was 7 or 8!!
There is something repulsive and vile about any human being that uses false allegations as a tactic to hurt another person. There's something even more vile and repulsive about a lawyer who knows there is nothing wrong with a 7 year old sleeping with her father, and still goes ahead and puts it in writing in order for her client to”win'. One such lawyer would be Sharon Shore of Epstein Cole in Toronto. One can only hope that the evil karma she brews in her vile attempt at making a living will one day come back to haunt her personally. Such people are a disgrace to not only women, but to the human race!
False allegations of abuse, are abuse.What is ironic in my situation is that Ms Sharon Shore is associated with the Jewish Family and Child Services centre in Toronto. They are both a child protection and advocate against the abuse of women. I find this ironic because in effect what she has done is harm abused women even more.. by perpetuating false allegations, wasting court time, police time and other social services time on these false allegations, real women who are truly abused have to wait for help.. have to suffer while people don't take them seriously because social services and police see so many false allegations.
Some people believe that imposing a penalty on women (and men), who come forward with false allegations of abuse will somehow deter real abuse victims from coming forward to seek help and justice. I find this an idiotic argument! If you are really abused, there is nothing to worry about, justice will be served. What is happening now as a result of not having any penalty for false allegations is people using the system to their advantage with no discouragement whatsoever. In fact, they are encouraged because they can do it over and over again, with no penalty, jail time or anything else while the accused party suffers emotional and financial damage! Frankly they should have penalties not only for the person doing it, but for lawyers who assist their clients with obvious false allegations as well!
As an aside, the system is so messed up, I have seen an 11 year old threaten a male friend saying she would tell her parents he touched her privates if he didn't comply with her demand to change the radio station to the channel she wanted. I have also seen my own son come home crying from grade one because some girls cornered him and told him they could beat him up, that not only he couldn't touch them, but if he even looked at them badly the police would take him to jail!
What kind of society are we building for our children! Wake up people, these are your sons and grandsons that will have to live with this in the future,and what if your daughter or grand-daughter was actually in danger? Would you not want them getting help right away? If you see false allegations, don't shrug it off.. say something. Women did not fight centuries to have rights, security and protection equal to men just to have ignorant money / power hungry women use it to their advantage! Shame on anyone that does this or helps someone do this!
Note: this blog is about FALSE allegation of abuse. If it's TRUE allegations, then that is a completely different story and has nothing to do with Parental Alienation Signs.
Friday, November 26, 2010
I can't help it
Here's a totally classic sign of an alienating parent. One that says 'I can't help how the children behave' or 'I can't make them see you if they don't want to'. I say, if you can't help how your children behave or make them do something that is in their best interest, then maybe you need parenting classes in a serious way!
These parents usually have no problem 'making' their children do their homework, clean up their room, go to the dentist, go to school or any myriad of other things the child does not want to do. However, when it comes to respecting the other parent or going on parenting time with them, the alienating parent suddenly has no parenting skills in making the child do what is best for them.. have a relationship with the other parent.
Usually, how these abusive parents work, is to show via body language, and maybe some verbal as well, how happy they are if the child does not talk to or see the other parent, and how upset they are if the child insists anyway and goes to see the other parent. Most of these parents use denial of love as a way to control the child into doing what they want.. no matter what the emotional cost to the child.
Basically, they control the child much like cult leaders control their followers... by verbal and non-verbal cues of encouragement and discouragement..mainly through denial of love and acceptance.
These parents usually have no problem 'making' their children do their homework, clean up their room, go to the dentist, go to school or any myriad of other things the child does not want to do. However, when it comes to respecting the other parent or going on parenting time with them, the alienating parent suddenly has no parenting skills in making the child do what is best for them.. have a relationship with the other parent.
Usually, how these abusive parents work, is to show via body language, and maybe some verbal as well, how happy they are if the child does not talk to or see the other parent, and how upset they are if the child insists anyway and goes to see the other parent. Most of these parents use denial of love as a way to control the child into doing what they want.. no matter what the emotional cost to the child.
Basically, they control the child much like cult leaders control their followers... by verbal and non-verbal cues of encouragement and discouragement..mainly through denial of love and acceptance.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Us vs Me
A good sign of someone who is emeshed in their thinking with the children is a parent who constantly uses 'us'.. instead of me/I. For example, the alienating or potential alienator will say things like 'You left us', 'Your father left our family', etc. What they don't understand is that in 99.9% of cases, the parent leaving, is not leaving the children, they are leaving the other parent. Therefore, it's not 'You left us', they should be saying 'You left me'..
By lumping the children in with the situation, they are emeshed in their thinking.. they cannot differentiate between their own feelings and their own children. This is typical narcissitic personally disorder, is very easy to notice and a classic sign of an alienating parent or one that has potential of becoming one if not quickly corrected.
I strongly suggest to anyone who hears this kind of 'us' talk to quickly put a stop to it by correcting it EVERY SINGLE TIME it's said. Don't just leave it alone and think of it as an annoying thing the other parent is doing to push your buttons. It's very very important to make sure that parents gets it.. and the only way they can get it is if they are corrected every single time.
It does not have to be in a forceful way.. it can be something as simple as saying calmly .. "I did not leave my family, I left you. " or "I did not leave my children, I left you", etc. Sounds silly.. but I feel it's important and it makes an impact over time. Correct it everytime and eventually they will stop saying it and hopefully thinking it!
Also be sure to correct any family member or friend (ex?) that says any such thing as 'You left your family'. Most people don't leave their family, they leave their spouse or partner. If that's the case for you, be sure to correct it every time, said by anyone.
By lumping the children in with the situation, they are emeshed in their thinking.. they cannot differentiate between their own feelings and their own children. This is typical narcissitic personally disorder, is very easy to notice and a classic sign of an alienating parent or one that has potential of becoming one if not quickly corrected.
I strongly suggest to anyone who hears this kind of 'us' talk to quickly put a stop to it by correcting it EVERY SINGLE TIME it's said. Don't just leave it alone and think of it as an annoying thing the other parent is doing to push your buttons. It's very very important to make sure that parents gets it.. and the only way they can get it is if they are corrected every single time.
It does not have to be in a forceful way.. it can be something as simple as saying calmly .. "I did not leave my family, I left you. " or "I did not leave my children, I left you", etc. Sounds silly.. but I feel it's important and it makes an impact over time. Correct it everytime and eventually they will stop saying it and hopefully thinking it!
Also be sure to correct any family member or friend (ex?) that says any such thing as 'You left your family'. Most people don't leave their family, they leave their spouse or partner. If that's the case for you, be sure to correct it every time, said by anyone.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Call the Police
A classic example of parental alienation is to call the police at every possible opportunity. In my personal experience, I've seen the police called because the parent was there to pick up the children for parenting time, because the parent showed up at a park event to see his children, and when the parent was 15 minutes late returning the child home (and he called to let her know too!)
I've seen this parent call the police because we were 15 minutes late getting home after one parenting time. She claimed to the police that she felt her child had been abducted. The ironic thing is after embarrassing her child who had to walk past the police into her home, and annoying her father because he had to explain to the police that his ex as mentally disturbed and the police laughing and shrugging it off.. she, the ex, right in front of the police.. asks the father what time he is coming to pick up his daughter for parenting time the next day!! So wait a minute.. one second you are paranoid of abduction and then you ask the potential abductor what time they are going to pick up the child the next day??!!
An obvious use of the police as scare tactic and bullying the other parent, and possibly instilling in the child that the other parent is dangerous/not to be trusted. What these abusive parents fail to see is the harm they are doing to their own children with these behaviors; the extreme guilt the child feels for having to put up with or go along with this idiotic waste of police services time against their own parent.
What the abusive parent also fails to see, and what the general public should be very upset about.. is the waste of all tax payers money on crap like this. What women should specially be upset about.. and what I personally am livid about.. is assholes like this woman are actually helping perpetuate abuse against women. How.. because of every 10 of these useless waste of time calls, there is 1 or 2 women who actually need help from danger.. real danger... or a child that is actually abducted or missing..... and the police don't take it seriously as fast as they should because they have been 'numbed' by people like my friends ex. Personally I think the police should charge abuse of services with a fee and/or penalty.
I've seen this parent call the police because we were 15 minutes late getting home after one parenting time. She claimed to the police that she felt her child had been abducted. The ironic thing is after embarrassing her child who had to walk past the police into her home, and annoying her father because he had to explain to the police that his ex as mentally disturbed and the police laughing and shrugging it off.. she, the ex, right in front of the police.. asks the father what time he is coming to pick up his daughter for parenting time the next day!! So wait a minute.. one second you are paranoid of abduction and then you ask the potential abductor what time they are going to pick up the child the next day??!!
An obvious use of the police as scare tactic and bullying the other parent, and possibly instilling in the child that the other parent is dangerous/not to be trusted. What these abusive parents fail to see is the harm they are doing to their own children with these behaviors; the extreme guilt the child feels for having to put up with or go along with this idiotic waste of police services time against their own parent.
What the abusive parent also fails to see, and what the general public should be very upset about.. is the waste of all tax payers money on crap like this. What women should specially be upset about.. and what I personally am livid about.. is assholes like this woman are actually helping perpetuate abuse against women. How.. because of every 10 of these useless waste of time calls, there is 1 or 2 women who actually need help from danger.. real danger... or a child that is actually abducted or missing..... and the police don't take it seriously as fast as they should because they have been 'numbed' by people like my friends ex. Personally I think the police should charge abuse of services with a fee and/or penalty.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Money Matters
A very common form of parental alienation is to involve the children in child support matters or finance matters. There is never any need for this, as it is extermely damaging to the child (as per the many adult children of alienation I've spoken to). The alienator may make the excuse that they are only telling the children the 'truth' or that children should be aware of finances, when in reality the only reason to tell the child about financial issues (ie: who pays for what) or child support is to make themselves look like the victim and the other parent look like they dont' care about the children. Children should be allowed to have a childhood free of these issues! Any parent who loves their children would ensure this and not drag children into their selfish motives of trying to make the other parent look bad.
What these alienating parents will often do is only point out the negatives of finances and never the positives. For example, they would never say 'You should thank you dad for buying you school supplies every year.' or 'That's great that your dad was able to take you to wonderland' , but would rather say 'Your dad is not paying his half of the kazoo payments, I had to pay it all' (note how they make themselves look like the 'hero' and the other parent like the heel) or 'Why would your dad pay for XYZ, he must love child #2 better, or he must be hiding money!'
Financial issues are adult matters. If you love your children, keep them out of it, and tell them only positives of the other parent. Remember that your 'truth' is just that, yours. Other people may see it differently.
What these alienating parents will often do is only point out the negatives of finances and never the positives. For example, they would never say 'You should thank you dad for buying you school supplies every year.' or 'That's great that your dad was able to take you to wonderland' , but would rather say 'Your dad is not paying his half of the kazoo payments, I had to pay it all' (note how they make themselves look like the 'hero' and the other parent like the heel) or 'Why would your dad pay for XYZ, he must love child #2 better, or he must be hiding money!'
Financial issues are adult matters. If you love your children, keep them out of it, and tell them only positives of the other parent. Remember that your 'truth' is just that, yours. Other people may see it differently.
Phone play
One method of alienation is by using the phone. The abusive parent will for example change the home phone number where the children live, and then refuse to give it to the rejected or targetted parent. She (or he) will then tell or insinuate to the children that their dad must not love them or care about them because he (or she) never calls.
This method can also be used for email or mail, whereas the alienating parent will intercept any mail or email from the other parent so that the children never get the gifts, emails, or letters and cards. Thus furthering her cause of trying to get the children to believe the other parent does not care for or love them.
Another phone tactic is to encourage by not discouraging, the children to yell at, or hang up on their parent when he does manage to get through. Alienating parents may reward this type of behavior by being nicer to the child after the deed, reading them a book, spending more time with them or any myriad of non-verbal encouragements. They will also never say 'Don't ever speak to or treat your father that way'. They will also explain this to others by saying she can't help how the children behave and that it's his fault they are mad at him.
Any good parent knows that respect for ones parents is of utmost importance. I would never dare hang up on or yell profanities at my parents, even if I felt they deserved it! These children are never taught proper parent child manners. The ironic thing is the alienator is teaching the child disrespect of a parent.. and down the road, that parent may be them!
Also, no good parent would say they can't help how the children act towards their other parent!! What are parents for but to guide children into becoming great adults. If you can't control a 10 year old and how they behave towads a parent, maybe you need some parent education classes to help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help or aiming to become a better parent by learning from others in classes or books. In fact it's admirable.
I've also seen some alienated teens say that its OK to disrespect their father because he first needs to earn their respect before they treat him better. This teens mother in this example, obviously did not instill in her daughter that parents and grandparents should have respect at all times. It's OK to disagree with them or not want to talk to them even, however it's never OK to denigrate or disrespect them privately or publicly! I find this the saddest of all as these children will one day become adults and maybe marry your or my son or daughter!! That scares me personally!!
Note: In my examples, I will assume the alienator is female and the targetted parent male, as that is how it is in my peronal situation. However, in reality alienators can be male or female.
This method can also be used for email or mail, whereas the alienating parent will intercept any mail or email from the other parent so that the children never get the gifts, emails, or letters and cards. Thus furthering her cause of trying to get the children to believe the other parent does not care for or love them.
Another phone tactic is to encourage by not discouraging, the children to yell at, or hang up on their parent when he does manage to get through. Alienating parents may reward this type of behavior by being nicer to the child after the deed, reading them a book, spending more time with them or any myriad of non-verbal encouragements. They will also never say 'Don't ever speak to or treat your father that way'. They will also explain this to others by saying she can't help how the children behave and that it's his fault they are mad at him.
Any good parent knows that respect for ones parents is of utmost importance. I would never dare hang up on or yell profanities at my parents, even if I felt they deserved it! These children are never taught proper parent child manners. The ironic thing is the alienator is teaching the child disrespect of a parent.. and down the road, that parent may be them!
Also, no good parent would say they can't help how the children act towards their other parent!! What are parents for but to guide children into becoming great adults. If you can't control a 10 year old and how they behave towads a parent, maybe you need some parent education classes to help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help or aiming to become a better parent by learning from others in classes or books. In fact it's admirable.
I've also seen some alienated teens say that its OK to disrespect their father because he first needs to earn their respect before they treat him better. This teens mother in this example, obviously did not instill in her daughter that parents and grandparents should have respect at all times. It's OK to disagree with them or not want to talk to them even, however it's never OK to denigrate or disrespect them privately or publicly! I find this the saddest of all as these children will one day become adults and maybe marry your or my son or daughter!! That scares me personally!!
Note: In my examples, I will assume the alienator is female and the targetted parent male, as that is how it is in my peronal situation. However, in reality alienators can be male or female.
Introduction
I've been working with issues of Parental Alienation through creating Parental Alienation Awareness Day April 25th and Parental Alienation Awareness Organization for over 5 years now. I was thinking it would be a good idea to just post signs of Parental Alienation in a blog. Feel free to comment or add your own!
This is from 5 years of personal experience (no, my children are not alienated, my ex and I love them more than we dislike each other) through my friend, plus hundreds of stories, phone calls and emails from people all over the world experiencing Parental Alienation, either as a parent, or child.
This blog is not meant to be taken as any form of advise, or recommendation. It's just information and throughts from my personal experience to be used at your own discretion. This blog is also my own personal opinion and thoughts and has nothing to do with anyone else.
This is from 5 years of personal experience (no, my children are not alienated, my ex and I love them more than we dislike each other) through my friend, plus hundreds of stories, phone calls and emails from people all over the world experiencing Parental Alienation, either as a parent, or child.
This blog is not meant to be taken as any form of advise, or recommendation. It's just information and throughts from my personal experience to be used at your own discretion. This blog is also my own personal opinion and thoughts and has nothing to do with anyone else.
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